This is about sexuality.
Some of you might be confused, so let's start with a definition. No, we won't be talking about kitchenware. Yes, I have been subjected to that question. Strong, strong side-eye.
not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.
Like all of my entries, this was inspired by a happening - or rather, a cancellation of a happening due to my sexuality. Allow me to stop confusing you and give you some backstory:
The Goods -A lovely friend of mine (no sarcasm) decided that I might benefit from a set-up. Now, typically, these kinds of things freak me the fuck out and make my skin crawl, but I searched for the flattery in the offering and eventually talked myself into accepting it. Sort of. Because of my self-deprecating nature, I found the negative in the situation and thought the following in no particular order:
"Fuck, how do I come off as that desperate?"
"Am I that friend now? I mean, I'm not even 30 yet."
"So, I am now being subjected to being set up for auction.Okay."
"Do I really seem like I can't be trusted to find a partner for myself?" (This one might be valid. Have you seen my track record?)
To be clear, these were all questions I asked due to my own insecurities and in no way are meant to reflect negatively on my friend or their offer to set me up. It was, truly, a sweet gesture to mingle two people who may not otherwise meet each other, if not just an entertaining idea. (Thank you, friend. I hope this does not offend.)
Who was the potential set-up you ask? A woman, that my friend's girlfriend works with. They both felt we would hit it off, but wanted us to socialize casually before anything official to be sure. My friend had mentioned a couple of women offhandedly through sporadic conversation that I might hit it off with, but I did not take their comments seriously until I attended a belated Friendsgiving, at which point my friend's girlfriend whispered to me that her friend, let's just call her "A", (WHY DO I ALWAYS DATE WOMEN WHOSE NAMES START WITH A??) would be arriving shortly and she thinks we'd hit it off, but no pressure. NO FUCKING PRESSURE?? I. was. not. prepared. for. this. I took like 10 minutes getting ready for this thing. Don't even think I looked in a mirror before leaving my house. I most definitely resemble a swamp demon. And now there is currently a gallon of pressure balancing on every surface of my body.
So now, here I am, in this super awkward, anxiety-inducing situation, where I and my friends know I'm being set-up, but the other party does not know. I've already had two plates of food, but now I feel like having number three and four just as a distraction. And maybe I'll seem so immersed in the food that this will be a deterrent for "A" to say hi to me. So what do I actually do? Obsess over avoiding, but not avoiding "A" to the point where I think I end up actually, subconsciously avoiding the chick for the entirety of her stay - except for complimenting a picture of a new puppy she was showing everyone (because who ignores puppies?? No one.) FACE.PALM.
This is currently my life.
And no, this story is not over. Over the next week or so my friend mentions I should come out one night to a place the three of them usually have dinner. Just a chill hang out, no sweat.
UM, ALL THE SWEAT. Profuse sweating. Bullets.
This, of course, forces me to ask a plethora of questions, because I need to understand how life has brought me this situation. I inquired if "A" was aware of this happening. The answer was no, due to the woman being my friends' girlfriend's boss. Okay, valid.
At this point, I can't decide if it's better or worse that this chick is going in blind and I'm not. Would I rather feel embarrassed going into the situation or feel embarrassed after-the-fact having not known what the fuck was going on? I feel like I'm trapping this poor, ignorant woman.
Either way, I am freaking out. My friend does their best to talk me down and remind me it's just a chill hang out. Fine, okay, sure. But somehow, despite the fact that I don't find this woman to be physically my type, I am overwhelmed with the need to be up to snuff. I, Abigail Griffin, the chick who says 'fuck whoever has a problem with who I am' is now worried about making an impression on some rando I wasn't even interested in to begin with. Thank you, mother, for brainwashing me with Southern values. Baaarrf. Mental notes are made to cleanse myself of these before I die.
So we set a date for a couple of weeks out, Wednesday. Hump Day hoping, apparently. I do pretty well not obsessing and stressing over it until the week of. Monday misgivings. This same Monday, I get a call. It's my friend. Strange. (Because I'm one of those people who's like "oh yeah, this thing calls people and isn't just a way to avoid speaking to people in real life via text. Weird.") I answer. I am informed that apparently "A" only dates "straight lesbians." Absolute confusion as I'm trying to figure out what a 'straight lesbian' is. Have I missed something? Is this a new identity of which I am not abreast? And how does my cis/straight friend know this, but I don't? How can this be?? And then, I realize my friend means lady "A" does not date women who are not strictly into women. So, pansexuals/bisexuals are outsky.
Laughter. Almost uncontrollable.
I am now going to rehash some truths that you may or may not have heard. You are welcome to stay and hear them out. Or, now that you've been invited to laugh at my expense, you can take your leave.
Real fucking facts from Abigail's book called "Real Fucking Facts":
- Being bi/pan does not increase your risk of being cheated on. The character of the people you choose to date do. Most of the lesbians I have dated, have been trash-ass cheaters. So, there's that.
- Being bi/pan does not mean we don't know how to make a decision or that we are confused. We have made a decision and that is that our sexuality is not limited to one gender/sex.
- When we are dating a man and we are women/dating a woman and we are men, we are not magically straight. When we are dating women and we are women/dating a man and we are men, we are not magically lesbian/gay.
- We are always members of the LGBTQ community regardless of the gender identity/sex of our partner. We retain our attraction to queer people. We retain our identity as queer people. We retain all the judgement and discrimination we have been subjected to by being queer people. We retain the life experiences and struggles of queer people. We have not chosen a side.
- Being bi/pan does not increase your chance of having threesomes or open relationships by dating us. We are not a fetish, an accessory, or a gateway.
- We are subjected to the same discrimination that the LGBTQ community is at large regardless of who we are currently fucking. We don't "have it easy", because we can hide. Our identities do not switch hour-to-hour or day-to-day. We don't lead double lives like Batman or Wonder Woman.
- We are ostracized and jeered at by our own community. We are REALLY, ACTUALLY, TRULY, GENUINELY gay. We're fucking queer. Period. There's nothing "half-breed" about it.
- We are not all promiscuous. Some of us prefer to only have sex with steady partners. (One is neither better than the other. Do you, boo.) Once again, this comes down to the individual that you are investing your time in. It has nothing to do with their sexuality.
- Pansexuals are not a joke and we are not made up. We are an identity that was not yet labeled, because the presence of those who do not identify as either women/men was not as represented as it is now. As the world progresses, so do identities, just like every other sexual identity was (and still sometimes is) demonized as not being real when they first come to the foreground. This is why some people, like myself, may have previously identified as bisexual and now identify as pansexual. There was no true label for me before. Now there is.
- Being pansexual does not mean I will date anyone and everyone. I still have personal standards like everyone else and not everyone meets them. I am not an automatic yes.
- Not all pan/bisexuals have a preference. I sure as fuck don't. It's about the person. Stop asking me so that you can gauge if I'm worth the risk. There's the door. If someone is into you, they're into you. Who tf cares if they have a preference?
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. As always, this is an open space for questions and discussion. Have at it, heathens. Much love from this one.