Well ya'll, I was on a fuckin' ROLL with this new year, good mood bullshit three days in to the new year.
I'm talkin' a level of happy optimism reminiscent of Cloud 9 and it's been a good few months since I've partook (partaken? whatever.) of the good ol' ganja. I seriously had to take a moment to determine whether I was on a sugar high from the Triple Chocolate Torte cupcake I had just inhaled/smeared all over my face (shout out to Gigi's!) or if I'd forgotten I'd snorted something earlier this morning, OR if neither of those had anything to do with it and I was turning over a new boulder...because the weight of my perception of the world is much heavier than a damn leaf.
True to form, life happens and I'm reminded of my realistic, borderline pessimistic perception of all things life. What bullshit!
(Fiiiiine, just sometimes - stamps foot)
I was going to do the whole cliche New Year-outlook-on-life post with all the fluffies and snuggles and warm fuzzies. I've decided I'm still going to reflect on my projected journey for the new year, but it will be much more true to Abigail grumbly form and a lot less sugar (questionable drug) high form from the other day. I am happy to report that I have survived a few more days past the birth of this entry (which is now two weeks ago because I apparently can't handle life enough to finish a damn blog post). Up yours, Trump. Just had to throw that in there considering he advocates for everything that threatens my existence.
So what does 25-year-old -now 26, yippee!- Abigail want (beyond world peace, obvs (that originally said "peach", because I was craving peaches??)) from the year that is bringing her the worst possible candidate for president and her 26th birthday within a matter of days of each other, you might ask? Well, I'm about to fuckin' tell you. Calm your tits. Or don't. It's your life and your chest pain.
Super-Selfish, Privileged, Wish List:+More tattoos on this damn, too plain body o' mine. I've had a list as long as my damn torso since I was 15 and I have a total of two tattoos. Unacceptable behavior. I'll probably throw in a nip piercing or two for good measure. UPDATE: NEW TAT HAS BEEN OBTAINED. YAS. More later.
+Self-love and unapologetic me time. I have the unabashed habit of mercilessly attacking myself (even though I'm obviously flawless, let's be real) all while exhausting my time, energy, spirit on the happiness of others. This is not being said as a claim that I mirror Mother Theresa. I'm a dick. BUT, I do have an unstoppable force within me that sacrifices my personal happiness and goals to make life easier or more enjoyable for other people. This has been as insignificant as postponing a much-needed hair appointment, because someone wants to hang out and as extreme as not striving for greatness in areas of my life so that I could spend time with someone else. Not really that big of a deal, right? In moderation maybe not, but I have somehow conditioned myself to live my life this way, everyday. Someone else is always more important than me: their desires, needs, dreams, thoughts, etc. I'm going to save you from my inexperienced psychological evaluation, because we'd be here for the rest of our lives, but I am sure it has something to do with growing up in a forced role as a girl in an old-fashioned southern, religious state and household and although I fought tooth and nail to rebel from these ideals, some things creep in and steep unnoticed until the stain is too dark to ignore anymore. I would like to add a more selfish stain this year, without completely masking the other.
That got heavy quick, didn't it?
+ I'd like to retain the friendships that found me and deemed me worthy in 2016. I've never been too skilled with maintaining friendships. Maybe I just come off as a cunt? No seriously, I've been told that before. Thanks, by the way. Dick. For real though, I can be cool sometimes and a few people noticed that this year and decided they'd actually like to spend more than five minutes with me. What is life?? I would like to provide the following disclaimer before I continue, however: In spending time with Abigail, you run the risk of experiencing significantly less coolness and significantly more awkwardness in real life. Abigail is much funnier via internet. User discretion advised. Moving on! I would like to see some of these new friendships bloom into real relationships instead of my usual acquaintance connections. This will take a lot of work on my part, taking on the responsibility of watering these little plants and nurturing them into growth. Ya'll don't mind being called plants, do you? Is this creepy? Nah, I think we're good. Since writing this, I have lost one of those valued relationships which leads me to the next topic.+ I need to learn to allow others to leave and to effectively let them go. Not everyone has the same capabilities or expectations of themselves as I do. -gasp- Some individuals do not realize their strengths or weaknesses and this can effect the relationships they choose to maintain or choose not maintain with others. I recently lost a friendship I had with someone for the third or fourth time over the last several months and each time it has come as a surprise (how the fuck it's still surprising, I don't fucking know). Regardless, it has been and I have the whiplash bruises to prove it! Chances, chances, chances - I give them in handfuls. I literally figuratively (yes, I know what I just said) hurl chances at people. I just straight up chuck them at their faces. The more chances I waste, the more bitter I want to become. I say all this to say: Abigail needs to chill the fuck out. I can be sad, but ultimately let those who do not want to be here, to not be here. I cannot have a death grip on people that do not, by choice or by not knowing how to, value the same things I do. It will hurt. I generally will still want that connection, but I have no control and the individual is allowed to separate themselves from me for any reason: self-preservation, my obsessive hair-twirling, my constant need to provide my lovely opinion 24/7. All these things warrant separation and I need to be okay with that. Life goals.
Currently - Now that it has been pretty much a month since the initiation of this post (GOD, I'M GOOD), I can evaluate how I have progressed thus far. I am happy to report that I have gotten a new addition to my epidermis (geeeeeek. Can't you tell how smart I am, because I didn't say "skin"??) and it has made me 10x happier than I ever imagined. Maybe I'll write a blog post about that detailing the feels in like four years. Lord help.
I am still struggling with the self-love, but I'm iiiinching in the "me time" bracket!
I is important, dagnamit!
I am still sad, because I value my true connections with people and I am not sure that will ever change, but I no longer stress myself over the particular situation. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.
I think I'll let you rest the balls in your eye sockets now. Thanks for following along with my incessant gabbing. Hopefully I set aside the me time I should to write another post soon.
Check you kids latatas.
Check you kids latatas.