Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Praying by Way of Solidarity

Praying isn't something I do very often.
Let's be real - I never do it anymore.
My kind of prayer is reflection and unity.

This post is a little more personal than my usual fire and brimstone posts.
I'm not one to relish in my weaknesses and I'm especially not a fan of broadcasting them, but if there's a single person that can relate to this post, that can find some sort of validation from it, it makes revealing myself worthwhile.
We have to learn that it isn't about us. Our pain can be empowerment for someone else, and some of us that are able should offer ourselves up to this cause.
This is my attempt to do that.

I'm going to assume everyone has heard Kesha's "Praying" and I'm going to go out even further on that limb and assume we all know what that song is related to. For the sake of clarification, it's in response to the lawsuit against her former producer that sexually assaulted her - at least, that's the assumption in regards to the meaning of the song. This song was the first song she released since the lawsuit began in 2014 and it seems to be targeting me lately, which is the reason for this seemingly random post. If you haven't heard it:

The emotion in this song is so obvious it's almost tangible and most often, I think, the emotions this song spurs in others may be sadness or sympathy, maybe even inspiration or empowerment. This is where my post takes its turn:

This song makes me angry. Don't get me wrong - I love this song. It hurts every time I hear it and I still want to replay it. Let me explain my crazy to you. 

"Praying" exemplifies Kesha's ability to move beyond, to empathize with her assailant. It shows her generosity and her forgiveness even as she details her pain. This is fantastic. You fucking go, girl. 

I am not Kesha.
It has been years, more than triple the amount of years that Kesha has had since her attack(s), and I do not feel forgiveness. I do not feel empathy. I do not feel anything besides anger and hatred.

And you know what? I think that is perfectly okay. I go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing if I were given the opportunity, I could end an individual's life and feel zero remorse. For someone who is against the death penalty, regardless of the crime, and doesn't support war, that's monumental to come to terms with. Maybe I'd wimp out. Maybe I'd lose my fury in the moment, but I have felt this way for over a decade, so maybe not.

I am in awe of the words in this song. While some of them completely resonate with me, she loses me at the softness - hoping her perpetrator finds peace, praying for him. WHAT? HOW? 
It. Does. Not. Compute.

I have moved past my shit in the most thorough way that I know how, without therapy. Plenty of people volunteer the idea that therapy makes everything better, and maybe, with immediate contribution and in a timely fashion it can. In my experience, that was not an option. I grappled and struggled with it silently and eventually, ever so slowly, I pushed myself past it - sometimes to the detriment of my relationships with others. And I am not interested in opening that can of worms years after the fact for the sake of saying therapy helped me forget all about it. For my survival and desire to thrive, not just exist, this is not possible. For the sake of a sliver of relief from the dark nature of this post, here are a few pieces of progress I am proud of:

+ On most occasions, I can sleep with my bedroom door open and the light off.
+ I can be active in my house and leave the front door unlocked for a short period of time to test myself.
+ I do not have to immediately leave a location, because a particular type of person has entered the vicinity and gives me a bad feeling.
+ I do not constantly fear running into a particular individual while just living everyday life.
+ I can sleep.
+ I can function day-to-day in the most seemingly normal way possible.

These are triumphs compared to who I was some years ago. It's hard to believe how difficult sleeping, or showering in a house, or having your back to a door or just separated from a wall can be when you have not experienced something that makes everything seem unsafe. It is a constant battle, and the battle is fucking exhausting. 

To live through that and feel the way Kesha's song describes, is unfathomable to me. To look back and remember who you were before and then to analyze the change in you, the downward spiral, and the unexpected stall and plateau that comes instead of complete reformation, is jolting. And to know how hard you had to fight to even reach that plateau is even more sobering. It's almost laughable to be proud of where you are, knowing who you were. But you are here. You are still here.

This is what keeps the anger fresh, brewing, ready to boil over when faced with a song like "Praying". To know that my whole life has been altered - the things I choose to do or not do, the places I feel comfortable going and not going, the way I perceive things, the way certain things/people make me feel - because of the unwarranted actions of someone else, is infuriating.

I'm happy with where I've gotten myself with this issue. It will never stop being a struggle, a haunting experience that makes my hair stand on end, something that's fresh on my mind when countless things happen including when I hear "Praying" blare through the speakers, even though others are able to say it's just another song. I don't think it's possible for that part of my life to be anything else beyond something I struggle with, especially not something I reflect on with forgiveness in mind.

I'm here to say that if you are where I am - if you're damn angry and intent on staying that way, if you haven't moved past it, if you have, but you still suffer, if you're where I am and want to progress even further - I see you. You are valid. You can survive first, and you can fucking thrive. Whatever you choose to do, however you choose to channel the bullshit you deal/dealt with, it is okay. And if that coping tool is harmful, I hope that you can move past that too, for yourself, but it does not make you any less whole, any less worthy. You are a warrior and I stand with you.


[To all you motherfuckers thinking I need Jesus to find my way out of the darkness or some shit, keep walking and don't spout your bullshit at me. I say that with all the love and sincerity in my heart.]

Monday, August 21, 2017

Who in the Hell Was That? Me. It Was Me.

Hiya, heathens. 
As luck would have it, I've had another major realization I'd like to document.
So, here we are (about a month after the realization and initiation of this post). Sit tight and get ready to open yourself up to another idea of yourself.

Please God, Abigail, tell us. We really want to know.

Alright, alriiiiiight. Calm your tits...or testicles?

One of the great things about my mind is that it never stops churning. I'm always evaluating, always questioning. I don't usually evaluate or question things that will help me in the current time setting (because what genius does that?), but I am very fond of reflection.
Recently, it has become ever so clear that I have been and will continue to be different forms of myself in relationships particularly.
-Bear with me. Don't "no fucking duh" me, yet.-

The sub point - finally.

Most of you have read my most recent entries that were full of the fire and fury of Hades. If you haven't, what are you doing with your life? Here and here. These posts detailed the infuriating and heartbreaking qualities of a person and the situation that recently ensued. 

I'm about to tell you a secret.

That shit was me four to five years ago. Now before you call me a hypocrite (though, I am) and get all high and mighty on me with your pitchforks, let me explain:

Although I may not have baited someone into dating me or promised them things that I did not intend to provide, I was a completely selfish asshole who was oblivious to the pain and unmet needs of someone closest to me. It was my way or the highway no matter the cost. And just like I allowed it to continue in my recent relationship, my partner from years ago allowed it to continue then. I'd also like to add that there was never a complaint from her. She was a god damn angel that let me revel in princessry and always gave me the benefit of the doubt. She was patient and hopeful that I would recognize my shortcomings in order to improve upon them. She enjoyed spoiling me and treating me like royalty. The problem presented itself when I stopped appreciating her and her constant efforts and did not offer the same in return. I bet you're shocked the relationship went straight into the ground.

Ya'll I about signed my soul over to Lucifer when I realized the correlation, because I was already a fucking demon, so why not? You know what stopped me? The grace of knowing that I didn't have to be that person, that I could be better, that someone deserved better out of me. I am not that person anymore and have not been since that relationship ended. One day, I woke up, got the little crusties out of my eyes, thawed my heart, and realized I had been a shit girlfriend and expected things that I did not offer in return. This started my steady process of morphing into who I would want my partner to be to me.

I am now happy to report that although I am no where near the perfect partner, I do resemble the sweet little angel that I did not appreciate near enough. Call it an overdue kick in the ass from Karma if you like. I do, but I am happy that I realized my piece-of-shit-ness on my own and not because of Karma. I was just a'waitin' on 'er and she sure as shit showed up.
Thank you for actually showing me what it felt like instead of trusting I knew the damage on my own, Karma. You're a real doll. I'm sure my ex appreciates your work. I would, because I'm subject to bouts of pettiness. Judge me.

Back to the point!

The Point.

We are all different forms of ourselves with different individuals. Some of us are stagnant, sure, but I do believe most of us evolve as we crash and burn through this life. You may be the worst form of yourself with someone just like they may be at different periods of their life with different partners. Maybe you're soft and affectionate with JoeBro, but you're callous and reserved with LizSis. Maybe you're also insecure and paranoid with JoeBro, yet confident and realize your self-worth with LizSis. It isn't usually all bad and if you aren't blind as a fucking bat to your own shortcomings (comme moi), there is hope.
We're all evolving, all searching for the best path. People do change. Do they change for people? Probably not a safe bet. Are you expected to wait it out until they realize it themselves and stop being an asshole? Absolutely not. Is it okay if you do? Knock yourself out. No judgment here. I just hope you're keeping your emotional/mental health in mind. No matter what, have heart that people do realize their issues and can choose to grow and become new people.
Sometimes this can be done during a relationship. That takes a lot of patience, understanding, maturity, and communication. None of which I had enough of 4-5 years ago (though I wouldn't tell you that then, of course). Some assholes like me need separation to evaluate themselves and realize they are actually part of the problem. Some people even need to witness their ex moving forward with someone else (whether that be from their best friend effectively stalking the ex and informing them, or personal stalkery..don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!) or maybe they need to find their own, better match. Either way, a catalyst is imperative. However, it is always up to you to improve yourself, for yourself.

You can "no fucking duh" me now.


Thursday, May 4, 2017

Beware the Chasers

And I don't mean the ones you threw back with your vodka at frat parties.
Whom do I speak of, you ask? Well, I'll fuckin' tell ya!
Sit back, relax with your Old Fashioned in your chummy little cardigan, and feast your eyes on this righteousness to follow.

The Chaser

This adorable spirit is someone almost everyone is drawn to. Why? They're also a charmer, a flirt. They enjoy the reactions and attention they get from puffing up other people. Let's pause, because I feel like someone may have missed it. They do this for themselves, not to bring others happiness. That's very important to remember, because it's ridiculously easy to forget when you're the center of their attention.They are often most comfortable being the life of the party and have no lack of friends. Generally, their friends get the best of their personality. This completely works in their favor, because their friends love them through and through and they'll tell ya aaaaall about it. Remember, their friends have probably never dated them.More often than not, they are physically attractive and are very aware of this, though they may act as if they are not. They're lying. Actually, they're just liars.
It's all fun and games when both parties involved are aware that their interactions are just fun nothings. They become The Chaser when the opposite party realizes what type of person they are and is not immediately receptive of their common wooing. This excites and may even frustrate them. The chase has then begun.
*It is also important to note that there are varying degrees of Chasers. Some are mellow and seemingly innocent about their schemes while others are very intense and borderline abusive. Both suck in my book.

The Chase:

This part can become unbelievably fun and fulfilling in the beginning for both The Chaser and The Chasee, a kind of flirtatious and lustful tango, full of laughs and curiosity. It really can be a dreamy dimension suspended in time.
Here's the dry, no bullshit version: Basically, it all boils down the to The Chaser analyzing and understanding how The Chasee functions: their strengths, weaknesses, good qualities, faulty qualities. They use this information to break through the boundaries that The Chasee has for people like The Chaser and to manipulate the qualities The Chasee has in order to win them over. This can be anything from preferred physical touch, to life goals, or something as simple as remembering characteristic details that not many people take the time to recognize (a particular facial expression you make at a particular time, the way you do something in particular differently than everyone else).
At some point, usually once The Chasee's gaurd has been lifted and they have become invested in a relationship The Chaser has showcased, The Chaser will reverse the rolls. They will then withhold the dreamy dimension they created, a veil will be lifted, and yet The Chasee will find themselves frantically grasping for what was there all while scratching their head and trying to maintain balance after the whiplash.
It is unbelievably easy to go from knowing better and keeping your distance, to knowing better and giving in, to knowing better but convincing yourself you don't know better and that it's okay. If The Chasee is in any way receptive to the charms of The Chaser, it's pretty much game over. Remember that Navy Seal sniper I mentioned in my last post? That's The Chaser and they will obliterate The Chasee. That's not to say The Chasee can't realize what is going on and pull the plug, but it is much more difficult to see a situation when you are suffocating in the middle of it.
Most often, when The Chaser has The Chasee hook, line, and sinker, there's no jumping back into the river (not without wounds, I might add) until The Chaser decides to let them loose and seek out a new catch.

The Bait:

I have come to realize that the most inspiring thing you can be for The Chaser, is a strong, stubborn, yet compassionate, and sassy as fuck person. I swear to all that is holier than a baby cherub those qualities alone will light a fire so damn hot under their ass, they'll shoot off like a rocket and come back like a heat-seeking missile. Nothing is more intoxicating to them than someone who immediately refuses to bat their eyelashes, giggle at them, and hang on to every word they say. It completely warps their perception of life and they cannot understand it.
So, what's a strong, stubborn, (annoyingly compassionate), sassy as fuck god/dess to do? STAY WOKE. You know better. I know they are probably sexier than a threesome involving Ryan Gosling, Michelle Rodriguez, and Angelina Jolie, but once you realize who they really are, that attraction crumbles like an over-baked chocolate chip cookie. It's just as depressing too. (By the way, if you don't think that threesome is enticing, feel free to swap in people of your own choosing, or just pick one. Have a field day!)
Okay. Well great, Abigail. What the fuck do I do when I get played and catch feelings? I'm glad you asked, you amazing collection of atoms, you.

The Wake-Up Call:

If you've succumbed to the Siren song, don't fret. I would just love to meet someone who hasn't fallen for it at least once. They don't exist, unless they are the Siren. Fuck them. (I've really enjoyed saying that lately.) Onward!
What's important to remember is, you are no less intelligent, no less beautiful, no less unique because you have fallen for someone's facade. More often than not, The Chaser is very skilled in their talent and they have a thorough understanding of how to groom people. They are also ridiculously persistent and dangerously charming.
If anything, I'd say bravo for being able to trust someone regardless of their features. Bravo for allowing yourself gentleness and compassion and eventually, bravo for waking up, recognizing the poison, and stepping away with a lesson to refer back to.
Sleep well knowing that some day The Chaser will meet their match, and it may actually have been you. They will realize their mistake and they will feel like shit. Don't hold out hope (or air freshener) thinking this will change them, however.
One thing that I say repeatedly and I will never stop saying is trust yourself. Now that you have seen the attributes of this caliber of human, you are so much more well-equipped to prevent being duped in the future. If that alarm goes off, listen to it. Not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I understand not wanting to be regretful, not wanting to jump to conclusions, but don't hesitate to call it like you see it. I'd much rather walk away from harm I've already experienced than keep experiencing it just because I can't trust myself. If you would rather risk it, go on witchyo bad, daredevil self. Just don't tell me I didn't tell ya. Cus I fuckin' did. And you know what? If you're duped again, IT'S OKAY. Forgive yourself, move on, and believe yourself next time.

*Disclaimer: I obviously do not have all of the answers, but I enjoy calling things as I see them and highlighting those pills I have had trouble swallowing. I hope there are some scraps here you can take with you.

Until the next human pisses me off enough to write another blog post - stay classy and sassy, ya'll.


Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Self-Destruction to Self-Discovery

Welcome back to my sad, little life, you fellow heathens!
This is a warning that shit's about to get pretty depressing and personal.
Stick around and eat it up, though. It'll be fun.
Literally free entertainment at my expense.
Why would you say no?
There will (probably) be the following (because let's be honest, my emotions are a shit show):
(in no specific order, because I literally have no organization skills ever)

+ self-deprecation
+ bitterness
+ sadness
+ elation
+ comical relief (maybe)

So, let's hit the party gong and get this shit started.
Sidebar - I have just added going to a party with a party gong to my bucket list. My life is getting better by the second.

Today, I have a very odd feeling of inspiration. The reason it's odd, is because it is from the deepest, darkest place I have been to in a while and two days ago I wanted to drive head first into oncoming traffic. Win some, lose some. There's nothing quite like fucking up your life in order to force yourself to stop making excuses and make changes. It's refreshing to own that no one else is responsible for the journey your life takes, but you. I am where I am, because I have chosen (either consciously or not) to be here. Although someone's actions are not under my control, I have either ignored or accepted certain things to bring me where I am today. That is a big lesson - a lesson I seem intent on teaching and reteaching myself. 26 years into the grave and I still have difficulty seeing my connections to the downfall of my expectations for my life. Ready for another lesson?

Expectations are not the devil.

That one has taken some getting used to. It is a well-known fact that my expectations are out.of.this.god-forsaken.world! What is not a well-known fact is that I am not apologetic for it. Sometimes I let people weaken me, which makes me question myself and my expectations. - Ew why, you ask? I don't fucking know. I'm not a therapist. - However, at the end of the day, I feel that my expectations are justified and that someone is capable of meeting them.
Expectations are not the root of all evil and though they may be high, you have the right to have the expectations you have. It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, you can expect the world, but I'd encourage you to aspire to give what you want in return.

You also have the right to realize that there are going to be several people that will disappoint those expectations, all in varying degrees. This does not make the other person a bad person. It does not mean they are less-than. It simply means, they're not your people. I have the habit of being unsatisfied if most of my expectations are not met to almost their complete extent. That is my burden to bear. I have learned that compromise is key and within the past year, I have made even more of an effort than before to stop and evaluate situations for a compromise. This brings me to my next personal lesson.

Compromise does not mean making excuses for people who are not willing or able to meet your needs.

Although compromising is important, mature, and healthy, it lends itself to allowing someone the ability to waiver too much on their needs. Once you weaken your position, the floodgates of hell and insecurity open and wreak fucking havoc. Some people will zero in on this fact like a Navy Seal sniper and abuse or manipulate it. Others are nicer people and that is not their intent. I have had experience with both. (Which most recently? I'll letcha take a wild fucking guess from the spirit of this post.) I find it is important to be able to recognize the kind of person you are dealing with as early as possible and trust yourself, trust your gut. There are those that can manipulate any person and any situation. Fuck them. Those are bad people. They are not your people, unless you are one of them. In which case, fuck you. 

There are people that will convince you they can meet your expectations. They might even be able to for a while. Sometimes all you get is a little sliver of time when they're true to their word and you have to know when to call it. It's sticky and messy, but it will save you so much time and pain in the end. You'll thank yourself. There is a difference between someone who is trying to meet your expectations and someone who is just trying to placate you. Strive to recognize the difference and don't apologize for taking action. Some people will do you a favor and sever ties with you on their own, but trust, that will be on their time and without any consideration of how their actions currently and will affect you. Fuck those people too.

Moving on to excuses! 

It is unbelievably easy to make excuses for people, especially those you care deeply about. They're stressed. They had a bad day. They're just distracted. They'll do better when they've had some space/sleep/food (because let's be real, hangry is a legitimate personality trait). They just forgot because...? They're mom died. Okay, maybe not something that intense, but you catch my drift. Some of these things are valid and pretty much all of this is dependent on the situation (yeah, good luck figuring that shit out), but I would say a good chunk of the time excuses are made when choices should be made. (I'll explain that in a sec, because I'm pretty proud of that gem.) Excuses should not be habitual and they definitely shouldn't be made by you on someone else's behalf. Would you let a stranger, a coworker, family member, anyone else make excuse after excuse without batting an eyelash and questioning it? I hope not.

Excuses should become choices.
What I mean is, after a certain extent, there comes a time when instead of making an excuse for someone you make a choice for yourself. You determine the guidelines. If this means discussing a solution and asking them to participate in reaching that solution, good. If this means choosing to change the way you perceive or handle a situation, cool, but err on the side of caution. That can be a slippery slope. If this instead means making the choice to separate from said person, DO.IT. Do not, I repeat, do not talk yourself out of it. Your gut knows you better than your mind does. I didn't mention your heart, because we all know that fucker doesn't know shit. It's pretty, but it's as dumb as a doorknob. Choose yourself, your happiness, your security. No one will fight as hard for you as you can.

Trust your instincts.

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That was a very recent and difficult lesson to put under my belt. You are not an exception was another one. People will show you who they are and that very well may be drastically different than who they tell you they are. Be mindful of it and trust yourself. If someone treats someone in a negative manner, you are not an exception. You will be treated the same. If someone tells you they aren't up to snuff, it isn't endearing and humble. It's the fucking truth and you should somersault to the nearest door, window even. Just get the hell out. It is not your job to convince them they are worth your time or to stroke their "insecurities" so that they become a shadow, always lurking. 

You can be as forthcoming and open about yourself as humanly possible, and someone will still trick themselves and you eventually into thinking they are all in. If you feel manipulated, 9/10 gold stars you are being manipulated. If you find yourself saying/believing something repeatedly to yourself, 9/10 elephants it's probably true. Don't talk yourself out of it. No one has the right to make you feel inferior, to make you feel as though taking your time is a mistake. Allow yourself the things you need and if they aren't on board with your well-being, let them take a nose dive off your ship and drown. Life vests not included. Don't talk yourself out of your security for a pretty promise.

Last one - 

I'm not sure where else this one fits, so here's my last zinger: Just because someone is intelligent, that does not mean they are mature. You could have a rocket scientist on your hands and they won't know diddlysquat about mature interactions. Although their IQ may be higher than yours, that does not outweigh your maturity. Once again, don't fool yourself. Other people will do that enough for you.

A message of encouragement:You are not responsible for being someone's step up. It is not your job to be the pillar someone stands on to move themselves to new heights. You are not someone's plus one. I don't claim to know it all. If I did, these posts wouldn't exist because I would be as happy as a fat clam sitting at the bottom of the sea, squished in the comfy mud. I do think it is important to document the harm you cause yourself for hope that you can overcome and renew yourself and in case it can provide an epiphany for someone else. So, here I am, growing from another low point with fresh eyes and fresh standards. I strongly encourage you not to shy away from the destruction of yourself. Let it happen, because the discovery that will come along the journey will be worth it.

Take my musings with a chuckle, an eye-roll, or a shot of tequila. I don't care. Either way, this shit is real. I hope I provided some insight, some life-changing epiphany, but let's be honest this is the easiest form of entertainment and I'm okay with being just that. Catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers.


Thursday, January 26, 2017

New Year, Same Old Sassy Shit

Well ya'll, I was on a fuckin' ROLL with this new year, good mood bullshit three days in to the new year.
I'm talkin' a level of happy optimism reminiscent of Cloud 9 and it's been a good few months since I've partook (partaken? whatever.) of the good ol' ganja. I seriously had to take a moment to determine whether I was on a sugar high from the Triple Chocolate Torte cupcake I had just inhaled/smeared all over my face (shout out to Gigi's!) or if I'd forgotten I'd snorted something earlier this morning, OR if neither of those had anything to do with it and I was turning over a new boulder...because the weight of my perception of the world is much heavier than a damn leaf. 

True to form, life happens and I'm reminded of my realistic, borderline pessimistic perception of all things life. What bullshit! 

(Fiiiiine, just sometimes - stamps foot)

I was going to do the whole cliche New Year-outlook-on-life post with all the fluffies and snuggles and warm fuzzies. I've decided I'm still going to reflect on my projected journey for the new year, but it will be much more true to Abigail grumbly form and a lot less sugar (questionable drug) high form from the other day. I am happy to report that I have survived a few more days past the birth of this entry (which is now two weeks ago because I apparently can't handle life enough to finish a damn blog post). Up yours, Trump. Just had to throw that in there considering he advocates for everything that threatens my existence.

So what does 25-year-old -now 26, yippee!- Abigail want (beyond world peace, obvs (that originally said "peach", because I was craving peaches??)) from the year that is bringing her the worst possible candidate for president and her 26th birthday within a matter of days of each other, you might ask? Well, I'm about to fuckin' tell you. Calm your tits. Or don't. It's your life and your chest pain.

Super-Selfish, Privileged, Wish List:

+More tattoos on this damn, too plain body o' mine. I've had a list as long as my damn torso since I was 15 and I have a total of two tattoos. Unacceptable behavior. I'll probably throw in a nip piercing or two for good measure. UPDATE: NEW TAT HAS BEEN OBTAINED. YAS. More later.

+Self-love and unapologetic me time. I have the unabashed habit of mercilessly attacking myself (even though I'm obviously flawless, let's be real) all while exhausting my time, energy, spirit on the happiness of others. This is not being said as a claim that I mirror Mother Theresa. I'm a dick. BUT, I do have an unstoppable force within me that sacrifices my personal happiness and goals to make life easier or more enjoyable for other people. This has been as insignificant as postponing a much-needed hair appointment, because someone wants to hang out and as extreme as not striving for greatness in areas of my life so that I could spend time with someone else. Not really that big of a deal, right? In moderation maybe not, but I have somehow conditioned myself to live my life this way, everyday. Someone else is always more important than me: their desires, needs, dreams, thoughts, etc. I'm going to save you from my inexperienced psychological evaluation, because we'd be here for the rest of our lives, but I am sure it has something to do with growing up in a forced role as a girl in an old-fashioned southern, religious state and household and although I fought tooth and nail to rebel from these ideals, some things creep in and steep unnoticed until the stain is too dark to ignore anymore. I would like to add a more selfish stain this year, without completely masking the other.

That got heavy quick, didn't it?

+ I'd like to retain the friendships that found me and deemed me worthy in 2016. I've never been too skilled with maintaining friendships. Maybe I just come off as a cunt? No seriously, I've been told that before. Thanks, by the way. Dick. For real though, I can be cool sometimes and a few people noticed that this year and decided they'd actually like to spend more than five minutes with me. What is life?? I would like to provide the following disclaimer before I continue, however: In spending time with Abigail, you run the risk of experiencing significantly less coolness and significantly more awkwardness in real life. Abigail is much funnier via internet. User discretion advised. Moving on! I would like to see some of these new friendships bloom into real relationships instead of my usual acquaintance connections. This will take a lot of work on my part, taking on the responsibility of watering these little plants and nurturing them into growth. Ya'll don't mind being called plants, do you? Is this creepy? Nah, I think we're good. Since writing this, I have lost one of those valued relationships which leads me to the next topic.

+ I need to learn to allow others to leave and to effectively let them go. Not everyone has the same capabilities or expectations of themselves as I do. -gasp- Some individuals do not realize their strengths or weaknesses and this can effect the relationships they choose to maintain or choose not maintain with others. I recently lost a friendship I had with someone for the third or fourth time over the last several months and each time it has come as a surprise (how the fuck it's still surprising, I don't fucking know). Regardless, it has been and I have the whiplash bruises to prove it! Chances, chances, chances - I give them in handfuls. I literally figuratively (yes, I know what I just said) hurl chances at people. I just straight up chuck them at their faces. The more chances I waste, the more bitter I want to become. I say all this to say: Abigail needs to chill the fuck out. I can be sad, but ultimately let those who do not want to be here, to not be here. I cannot have a death grip on people that do not, by choice or by not knowing how to, value the same things I do. It will hurt. I generally will still want that connection, but I have no control and the individual is allowed to separate themselves from me for any reason: self-preservation, my obsessive hair-twirling, my constant need to provide my lovely opinion 24/7. All these things warrant separation and I need to be okay with that. Life goals.

Currently - Now that it has been pretty much a month since the initiation of this post (GOD, I'M GOOD), I can evaluate how I have progressed thus far. I am happy to report that I have gotten a new addition to my epidermis (geeeeeek. Can't you tell how smart I am, because I didn't say "skin"??) and it has made me 10x happier than I ever imagined. Maybe I'll write a blog post about that detailing the feels in like four years. Lord help.

I am still struggling with the self-love, but I'm iiiinching in the "me time" bracket!
I is important, dagnamit! 

I am still sad, because I value my true connections with people and I am not sure that will ever change, but I no longer stress myself over the particular situation. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.

I think I'll let you rest the balls in your eye sockets now. Thanks for following along with my incessant gabbing. Hopefully I set aside the me time I should to write another post soon. 
Check you kids latatas.



Monday, August 29, 2016

Celebratory Hater Post - It's Like a Party For My Blog!

Uh first, where's the fucking cake and cue the balloons and confetti because this is a damn celebration!
Little ol' Abigail has her first commentator sippin' on that hatorade. If you think this post is petty, you are welcome to see yourself out. Feel free to check back for another post, though. No hard feels.

The rest of you heathens - grab your party hats, popcorn, punch, and Jujubes to enjoy the show.
(Party favors will be booze for all interested at a later date.)

Now, I'm going to direct the remainder of this post to the sweet little gem that inspired it. 
Aren't you special?

Hello Random Person,

I would say nice to meet you (because I'm a lady like that), but I have a sneaking suspicion I have already met you. Instead, I'll say it's nice to see you again and thanks for taking the time out of your obviously painfully busy day to verse me on myself and relationships. So insightful, truly, but let me set you straight on a few things. You don't mind broadening your views on the subject, do you?
oh, good.

And here we go!

First, I would like to point out that no, I do not think I have it all figured out as I stated in my post. Let me direct your attention to the ninth line of my post where I stated, "And I'm also just fucking clueless of how this is all supposed to work." Well, all be damned! Would ya look at that! I think that pretty explicitly states that I'm practically running around like a chicken with my head cut off. All of my musings are merely just that, a reflection, all of which I form personal opinions about and in no way state that my opinions must be the truth.

The next course will be:

You Don't Know My Life Biscuits With a Side Of Eat Shit Gravy - Check it, I don't care how well you think you know me or my relationships. Let me bitch slap you with reality real quick - you don't know as much as you think you do. If you did, you'd have a much better position in my life than just ranting on my measly blog. I take responsibility for the shortcomings I have had in my relationships. However, I am also able to realize the shortcomings of others and I don't shy away from bringing them to light with my own. That's what you do when you're an adult and you want better relationships. You sit down, evaluate, determine what/who needs to change, and you move forward again like an awkward giraffe calf just birthed 6 feet off the ground, not very smoothly but you get there. Also, you don't know me well enough to know what I think so let's just take a chill pill, yeah? Sit down and drink your hate juice.

Moving on!

Sure, love just is. I can get down with that and all the mushy shit you just vomited all over my rational post. However, love can be evaluated and chosen. I might love an addict, but I am not going to choose that life. That doesn't erase the love, but it is a logical step away from it.You can love someone and still realize the need to walk away. Also, I don't know if you read it, but my post wasn't about love. My post was about casually dating. Two very, very different things with very different expectations and outcomes. And, I get butterflies every time I see pancakes, so...

Truckin' right along here - 

I realize that I have high expectations. Everyone who really knows me and listens to my incessant gabbing has heard me say this repeatedly. I do not ask things of others that I am not fully prepared to offer myself. And yes, I will fall short as will they, but there will be a joint desire to meet those expectations.
Love being unplanned or uncontrollable has nothing to do with my expectations. What are you envisioning here? I might see some person trippin' balls on the sidewalk, chasing after a squirrel for their next meal and experience love at first sight because love just is? No. Well maybe if they caught the squirrel, because that shows some impressive skill and dedication. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! The reason why I am going to fall in love with someone is because they strive to meet my expectations as I would do the same for them. It isn't going to be just some blind force like falling through a time warp where I'm just along for the ride because it's literally uncontrollable. I don't want that kind of love. That's playground love. I want major league love.
"You are always going to fail or be miserable with the requirements, rules and standards you hold." That statement is beyond inaccurate. I am not going to fail, because I am going to continually strive for greatness. Even if I don't attain greatness every time I grasp for it, I am still succeeding just by the effort itself. I would much rather hold high standards for myself and others and not have a perfect outcome than have low expectations that are met every time. I am not going to be miserable, because I am continuously progressing in learning and knowing myself. Also, homegirl over here knows how to make herself happy. I don't need no man!..or woman. I am going to hold out for that person who either meets my expectations or shows me that they are genuinely too high because they strive to meet them first and then educate me as to why I am being unreasonable. That person is going to be worth the wait. I will not settle just because I happen to feel butterflies. I will feel the whole fucking zoo with the right person.

Just around the riverbend!

You're right. I can only control and change myself. That entails controlling who I allow and devote my time to and for whom I want to change.
"If you have been let down in the past, it is due to you letting yourself down and not initiating self control of yourself." I'll give you partial credit. I take full responsibility for expecting things of people that I know cannot meet the requirements. I take full responsibility for settling and fooling myself into wasting time on people who are not worth it. However, I am always honest and forward about the things that I want and expect and I encourage that of others. I also expect them to be honest about whether or not they can or want to meet my expectations. Everyone has the right to say no or bow out. It takes two to tango...not sexually in this situation.
"Stop blaming others and letting yourself down. It will only come when you are ready for it, and not before. So if you want love and don't have it, ask yourself what YOUR doing wrong." First, you're*. Second, I place blame where blame is due. It is usually shared and I reserve the right to determine who has fallen short where, because this is my fucking life. If someone has a problem, I will promptly show them the door because they obviously don't have enough salt to pass muster. I am continually learning from myself and growing. I never claim to be faultless. I am capable of being faulty and realizing the faults in others. I am constantly evaluating myself to determine what I can do to be a better person for myself and that will be worthy of the love that I desire, all of which is no one else's business but mine.

Finale - 

I think you missed the entire point of my post and the blatant sarcasm tucked throughout. The post was about dating casually, my reflections/hypotheses on said dating and the people it involves, and me floundering throughout the process. Netflix and Chill while dating casually is not on the docket for me and this is not a term I would personally use if I were in love with someone.
Yes the long-term goal is to find my person, but at this moment it's about taking the time to explore individuals and myself and fighting the urge to jump into another lackluster relationship.
I hope this has helped you understand that it's best not to speak out of turn and to really know what/whom you're talking about before you open your mouth so that others don't have to clean up the bullshit that you spew. Have a great day and keep striving not to judge others as will I.

P.S. You can't mic drop, because I already did. Snooze, ya lose!



Thursday, August 18, 2016

I'm In Foreign Waters: The Dating Game

Well ya'll, I think it has finally been long enough for me to own up to the fact that I am fucking single.

like a dollar bill in a stripper's thong

but a classy one

Doesn't that word just drip anxiety? For someone like myself who happens to be a serial monogamist, it does.

Hi. My name is Abigail Griffin and it has been 1 month since my last serious relationship.
*snaps for applause*

At the wise, old age of 25, I find that I have done myself an injustice by not allowing myself to date - like real, grown-up, adulting stuff. And I'm also just fucking clueless of how this is all supposed to work. I feel like there's this general idea that guides how dating is supposed to work, but it is becoming more and more obvious to me that everyone has their own individual interpretation of what dating is.

First, you have what in my mind is "Movie Dating". My favorite example of this type of dating is the movie How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days. (If you haven't seen it, go repent, watch it, and get back to me. Kate Hudson. Yum. Matthew McConaughey. Yes, sweet Jesus.) 
The premise of the movie is that both of these people are dating each other for their own personal bets - one wants to terrorize the other until they split, and the other wants to wine and dine until the other falls in love. It's hilarious and endearing. 
But back to the dating aspect: They both actively go out on dates whether it's a Celine Dion concert, a semi-finals basketball game, dinner, or a home-cooked meal with the game playing in the background. There's no Netflix and Chill. I repeat, there is no Netflix and Chill. I'm not even going to get into that idea and our generation. That is a whoooooole different blog post waiting to happen. The few weeks of them dating shows a gradual gravity between them where the relationship gets more and more personal until there's a specific time where McConaughey asks Hudson to attend an event with him, but as his girlfriend officially. 
So, in short (which I am obviously incapable of doing), there's a span of time where two people date each other casually, maybe dating others along the way, have sex when it just feels right, and potentially vibe enough to where they take the step to become exclusive. 

Then, there's this whole idea that "hanging out" is dating, which almost always turns into a relationship, and not very successful ones in my experience. This is a version of Netflix and Chill, where one or both individuals are insecure in their claim on the other and they feel compelled to latch on before they even really know if there is something substantial there out of which to form a relationship.  Lesbians, or fellow members of the gay community, know this as "u-hauling". I'm pretty confident we have all done it and the majority of these situations do not end up blooming into fruitful relationships. Key word is fruuuuitful. PLEASE, someone somewhere tell me I'm wrong so that hopeless romantic Abigail can have a field day. You're lying.
Instead of wining and dining each other, keeping some distance, and really exploring each other, people like to just chill. "Come over to my house and watch a movie." Sure, "watch" "a movie".
 -insert eyeroll- 
Because, we all fucking know what that means: we will both pose as if we are genuinely interested in this movie, but really we just want to make a move on each other, which almost always ends up happening and then someone is miraculously surprised as to why/how you just had sex with one another. Boundaries, anyone?! Gross and boring and easy. Yes, I'm judging you. Yes, I have done it. So, sue me, because I'm judging myself too.
In my opinion, this sets a much lower standard for a relationship. Individuals become too familiar too quickly and they feel a pull to each other that they shouldn't in such a short time. Whenever another option comes around for either party, it sends the other into a frenzy and they feel as if they have to lock each other down so that they don't have to deal with the possibility of not being the chosen one, when in reality, finding out if you are the chosen one is very important. If you aren't going to be chosen while you're just dating or hanging out with someone, you most likely won't be chosen even while you're in a relationship with someone. Chew on THAT ONE for a while. Reeeeally grind it down. We'll have a spitting contest later. I'll win, because I'm older and wiser. Obviously.

I guess where I get lost is, how much information is the other person privy to regarding whether or not you're dating or having sex with other people. What actions are too personal and should be reserved for exclusive relationships and which actions aren't? Is jealousy allowed? Uh, because homegirl over here likes territory markers. Perks of being a serial monogamist, I should think.
 Let's have a quick Q&A!
Q: How much information is the other person privy to regarding whether or not you're dating or having sex with other people?
A: I think all parties should be aware of whether or not the other is sexually active with others. Maybe it should just be an assumption? But I think being forward and clear is the best policy. I also think it's best to inform each other that you're dating other people, unless specifically requested not to. Sometimes people let that information effect their thoughts and it ruins the whole thing, so as long as both parties are in agreement about what information to divulge and what not to, all is right with the world.
Q: What actions are too personal and should be reserved for exclusive relationships and which aren't?
A: Obviously, don't invite someone you're dating to a funeral or family occasion. To me, those are perks of being exclusive. Sometimes I blur these lines, because I care about people and their well-being. NO. DON'T. DO. IT. It just skews the current nature of the relationship and makes you feel as if there's more there than there actually is.  Also, still trying to decide if butterfly kisses should be a perk of exclusivity. Will report back.
Q: Is jealousy allowed?
A: Whether it's allowed or not, it will be there, lurking. I enjoy very clearly noting what is mine and what is not. However, in the dating game, nothing is yours. Even though jealousy is inevitable for some people (who the hell is it not inevitable for, because you're not real), that does not mean that any actions caused by jealousy are appropriate. You get to hold that little demon nugget in your head or deep in your stomach until you have been given the exclusivity token at which point you can spew all that pent up jealousy on the next scrub that thinks they have a special role in your special somebody's life like a bunch of winning tickets spurting out of an arcade game. Go big or go home.

I realize that it all comes down to people and communication. It is imperative to communicate expectations, opinions, concerns regarding an issue like dating and the guidelines of each individual's interpretation. I feel as though people fall short in this area which leads to obvious complications. And seriously, trying to date different people each with their own interpretation of what dating is can give a girl some intense whiplash.

I think most often people are scared. They're scared of rejection or of not being the person that the person they currently want, wants. Instead of being an adult and facing those fears, being honest, they morph into something that the other person prefers or they swear up, down, side-to-side, Hail Mary that they can be who the other person wants. This can only last so long, however, and then what happens? You have just wasted your time and their time. This is something I have realized I no longer have time for, which could also be its own blog entry because I don't know how to shut up! Just own it. Own who you are and what you want, be honest, and don't apologize for it.

All-in-all, I will enjoy the opportunity of this long overdue dating period of my "young" adulthood and I do not intend on cutting it short for anyone unworthy. I am so tired of my time being wasted because of someone else's insecurities or even my own. I am 25 and I can own that I have no interest in being the Netflix and Chill girl. I have no interest in being a fuck buddy or dating randoms. I want to date potential. I want someone to share a life with and Netflix and chill material isn't going to cut it.

.mic drop.