Thursday, May 4, 2017

Beware the Chasers

And I don't mean the ones you threw back with your vodka at frat parties.
Whom do I speak of, you ask? Well, I'll fuckin' tell ya!
Sit back, relax with your Old Fashioned in your chummy little cardigan, and feast your eyes on this righteousness to follow.

The Chaser

This adorable spirit is someone almost everyone is drawn to. Why? They're also a charmer, a flirt. They enjoy the reactions and attention they get from puffing up other people. Let's pause, because I feel like someone may have missed it. They do this for themselves, not to bring others happiness. That's very important to remember, because it's ridiculously easy to forget when you're the center of their attention.They are often most comfortable being the life of the party and have no lack of friends. Generally, their friends get the best of their personality. This completely works in their favor, because their friends love them through and through and they'll tell ya aaaaall about it. Remember, their friends have probably never dated them.More often than not, they are physically attractive and are very aware of this, though they may act as if they are not. They're lying. Actually, they're just liars.
It's all fun and games when both parties involved are aware that their interactions are just fun nothings. They become The Chaser when the opposite party realizes what type of person they are and is not immediately receptive of their common wooing. This excites and may even frustrate them. The chase has then begun.
*It is also important to note that there are varying degrees of Chasers. Some are mellow and seemingly innocent about their schemes while others are very intense and borderline abusive. Both suck in my book.

The Chase:

This part can become unbelievably fun and fulfilling in the beginning for both The Chaser and The Chasee, a kind of flirtatious and lustful tango, full of laughs and curiosity. It really can be a dreamy dimension suspended in time.
Here's the dry, no bullshit version: Basically, it all boils down the to The Chaser analyzing and understanding how The Chasee functions: their strengths, weaknesses, good qualities, faulty qualities. They use this information to break through the boundaries that The Chasee has for people like The Chaser and to manipulate the qualities The Chasee has in order to win them over. This can be anything from preferred physical touch, to life goals, or something as simple as remembering characteristic details that not many people take the time to recognize (a particular facial expression you make at a particular time, the way you do something in particular differently than everyone else).
At some point, usually once The Chasee's gaurd has been lifted and they have become invested in a relationship The Chaser has showcased, The Chaser will reverse the rolls. They will then withhold the dreamy dimension they created, a veil will be lifted, and yet The Chasee will find themselves frantically grasping for what was there all while scratching their head and trying to maintain balance after the whiplash.
It is unbelievably easy to go from knowing better and keeping your distance, to knowing better and giving in, to knowing better but convincing yourself you don't know better and that it's okay. If The Chasee is in any way receptive to the charms of The Chaser, it's pretty much game over. Remember that Navy Seal sniper I mentioned in my last post? That's The Chaser and they will obliterate The Chasee. That's not to say The Chasee can't realize what is going on and pull the plug, but it is much more difficult to see a situation when you are suffocating in the middle of it.
Most often, when The Chaser has The Chasee hook, line, and sinker, there's no jumping back into the river (not without wounds, I might add) until The Chaser decides to let them loose and seek out a new catch.

The Bait:

I have come to realize that the most inspiring thing you can be for The Chaser, is a strong, stubborn, yet compassionate, and sassy as fuck person. I swear to all that is holier than a baby cherub those qualities alone will light a fire so damn hot under their ass, they'll shoot off like a rocket and come back like a heat-seeking missile. Nothing is more intoxicating to them than someone who immediately refuses to bat their eyelashes, giggle at them, and hang on to every word they say. It completely warps their perception of life and they cannot understand it.
So, what's a strong, stubborn, (annoyingly compassionate), sassy as fuck god/dess to do? STAY WOKE. You know better. I know they are probably sexier than a threesome involving Ryan Gosling, Michelle Rodriguez, and Angelina Jolie, but once you realize who they really are, that attraction crumbles like an over-baked chocolate chip cookie. It's just as depressing too. (By the way, if you don't think that threesome is enticing, feel free to swap in people of your own choosing, or just pick one. Have a field day!)
Okay. Well great, Abigail. What the fuck do I do when I get played and catch feelings? I'm glad you asked, you amazing collection of atoms, you.

The Wake-Up Call:

If you've succumbed to the Siren song, don't fret. I would just love to meet someone who hasn't fallen for it at least once. They don't exist, unless they are the Siren. Fuck them. (I've really enjoyed saying that lately.) Onward!
What's important to remember is, you are no less intelligent, no less beautiful, no less unique because you have fallen for someone's facade. More often than not, The Chaser is very skilled in their talent and they have a thorough understanding of how to groom people. They are also ridiculously persistent and dangerously charming.
If anything, I'd say bravo for being able to trust someone regardless of their features. Bravo for allowing yourself gentleness and compassion and eventually, bravo for waking up, recognizing the poison, and stepping away with a lesson to refer back to.
Sleep well knowing that some day The Chaser will meet their match, and it may actually have been you. They will realize their mistake and they will feel like shit. Don't hold out hope (or air freshener) thinking this will change them, however.
One thing that I say repeatedly and I will never stop saying is trust yourself. Now that you have seen the attributes of this caliber of human, you are so much more well-equipped to prevent being duped in the future. If that alarm goes off, listen to it. Not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I understand not wanting to be regretful, not wanting to jump to conclusions, but don't hesitate to call it like you see it. I'd much rather walk away from harm I've already experienced than keep experiencing it just because I can't trust myself. If you would rather risk it, go on witchyo bad, daredevil self. Just don't tell me I didn't tell ya. Cus I fuckin' did. And you know what? If you're duped again, IT'S OKAY. Forgive yourself, move on, and believe yourself next time.

*Disclaimer: I obviously do not have all of the answers, but I enjoy calling things as I see them and highlighting those pills I have had trouble swallowing. I hope there are some scraps here you can take with you.

Until the next human pisses me off enough to write another blog post - stay classy and sassy, ya'll.


Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Self-Destruction to Self-Discovery

Welcome back to my sad, little life, you fellow heathens!
This is a warning that shit's about to get pretty depressing and personal.
Stick around and eat it up, though. It'll be fun.
Literally free entertainment at my expense.
Why would you say no?
There will (probably) be the following (because let's be honest, my emotions are a shit show):
(in no specific order, because I literally have no organization skills ever)

+ self-deprecation
+ bitterness
+ sadness
+ elation
+ comical relief (maybe)

So, let's hit the party gong and get this shit started.
Sidebar - I have just added going to a party with a party gong to my bucket list. My life is getting better by the second.

Today, I have a very odd feeling of inspiration. The reason it's odd, is because it is from the deepest, darkest place I have been to in a while and two days ago I wanted to drive head first into oncoming traffic. Win some, lose some. There's nothing quite like fucking up your life in order to force yourself to stop making excuses and make changes. It's refreshing to own that no one else is responsible for the journey your life takes, but you. I am where I am, because I have chosen (either consciously or not) to be here. Although someone's actions are not under my control, I have either ignored or accepted certain things to bring me where I am today. That is a big lesson - a lesson I seem intent on teaching and reteaching myself. 26 years into the grave and I still have difficulty seeing my connections to the downfall of my expectations for my life. Ready for another lesson?

Expectations are not the devil.

That one has taken some getting used to. It is a well-known fact that my expectations are! What is not a well-known fact is that I am not apologetic for it. Sometimes I let people weaken me, which makes me question myself and my expectations. - Ew why, you ask? I don't fucking know. I'm not a therapist. - However, at the end of the day, I feel that my expectations are justified and that someone is capable of meeting them.
Expectations are not the root of all evil and though they may be high, you have the right to have the expectations you have. It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, you can expect the world, but I'd encourage you to aspire to give what you want in return.

You also have the right to realize that there are going to be several people that will disappoint those expectations, all in varying degrees. This does not make the other person a bad person. It does not mean they are less-than. It simply means, they're not your people. I have the habit of being unsatisfied if most of my expectations are not met to almost their complete extent. That is my burden to bear. I have learned that compromise is key and within the past year, I have made even more of an effort than before to stop and evaluate situations for a compromise. This brings me to my next personal lesson.

Compromise does not mean making excuses for people who are not willing or able to meet your needs.

Although compromising is important, mature, and healthy, it lends itself to allowing someone the ability to waiver too much on their needs. Once you weaken your position, the floodgates of hell and insecurity open and wreak fucking havoc. Some people will zero in on this fact like a Navy Seal sniper and abuse or manipulate it. Others are nicer people and that is not their intent. I have had experience with both. (Which most recently? I'll letcha take a wild fucking guess from the spirit of this post.) I find it is important to be able to recognize the kind of person you are dealing with as early as possible and trust yourself, trust your gut. There are those that can manipulate any person and any situation. Fuck them. Those are bad people. They are not your people, unless you are one of them. In which case, fuck you. 

There are people that will convince you they can meet your expectations. They might even be able to for a while. Sometimes all you get is a little sliver of time when they're true to their word and you have to know when to call it. It's sticky and messy, but it will save you so much time and pain in the end. You'll thank yourself. There is a difference between someone who is trying to meet your expectations and someone who is just trying to placate you. Strive to recognize the difference and don't apologize for taking action. Some people will do you a favor and sever ties with you on their own, but trust, that will be on their time and without any consideration of how their actions currently and will affect you. Fuck those people too.

Moving on to excuses! 

It is unbelievably easy to make excuses for people, especially those you care deeply about. They're stressed. They had a bad day. They're just distracted. They'll do better when they've had some space/sleep/food (because let's be real, hangry is a legitimate personality trait). They just forgot because...? They're mom died. Okay, maybe not something that intense, but you catch my drift. Some of these things are valid and pretty much all of this is dependent on the situation (yeah, good luck figuring that shit out), but I would say a good chunk of the time excuses are made when choices should be made. (I'll explain that in a sec, because I'm pretty proud of that gem.) Excuses should not be habitual and they definitely shouldn't be made by you on someone else's behalf. Would you let a stranger, a coworker, family member, anyone else make excuse after excuse without batting an eyelash and questioning it? I hope not.

Excuses should become choices.
What I mean is, after a certain extent, there comes a time when instead of making an excuse for someone you make a choice for yourself. You determine the guidelines. If this means discussing a solution and asking them to participate in reaching that solution, good. If this means choosing to change the way you perceive or handle a situation, cool, but err on the side of caution. That can be a slippery slope. If this instead means making the choice to separate from said person, DO.IT. Do not, I repeat, do not talk yourself out of it. Your gut knows you better than your mind does. I didn't mention your heart, because we all know that fucker doesn't know shit. It's pretty, but it's as dumb as a doorknob. Choose yourself, your happiness, your security. No one will fight as hard for you as you can.

Trust your instincts.

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That was a very recent and difficult lesson to put under my belt. You are not an exception was another one. People will show you who they are and that very well may be drastically different than who they tell you they are. Be mindful of it and trust yourself. If someone treats someone in a negative manner, you are not an exception. You will be treated the same. If someone tells you they aren't up to snuff, it isn't endearing and humble. It's the fucking truth and you should somersault to the nearest door, window even. Just get the hell out. It is not your job to convince them they are worth your time or to stroke their "insecurities" so that they become a shadow, always lurking. 

You can be as forthcoming and open about yourself as humanly possible, and someone will still trick themselves and you eventually into thinking they are all in. If you feel manipulated, 9/10 gold stars you are being manipulated. If you find yourself saying/believing something repeatedly to yourself, 9/10 elephants it's probably true. Don't talk yourself out of it. No one has the right to make you feel inferior, to make you feel as though taking your time is a mistake. Allow yourself the things you need and if they aren't on board with your well-being, let them take a nose dive off your ship and drown. Life vests not included. Don't talk yourself out of your security for a pretty promise.

Last one - 

I'm not sure where else this one fits, so here's my last zinger: Just because someone is intelligent, that does not mean they are mature. You could have a rocket scientist on your hands and they won't know diddlysquat about mature interactions. Although their IQ may be higher than yours, that does not outweigh your maturity. Once again, don't fool yourself. Other people will do that enough for you.

A message of encouragement:You are not responsible for being someone's step up. It is not your job to be the pillar someone stands on to move themselves to new heights. You are not someone's plus one. I don't claim to know it all. If I did, these posts wouldn't exist because I would be as happy as a fat clam sitting at the bottom of the sea, squished in the comfy mud. I do think it is important to document the harm you cause yourself for hope that you can overcome and renew yourself and in case it can provide an epiphany for someone else. So, here I am, growing from another low point with fresh eyes and fresh standards. I strongly encourage you not to shy away from the destruction of yourself. Let it happen, because the discovery that will come along the journey will be worth it.

Take my musings with a chuckle, an eye-roll, or a shot of tequila. I don't care. Either way, this shit is real. I hope I provided some insight, some life-changing epiphany, but let's be honest this is the easiest form of entertainment and I'm okay with being just that. Catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers.


Thursday, January 26, 2017

New Year, Same Old Sassy Shit

Well ya'll, I was on a fuckin' ROLL with this new year, good mood bullshit three days in to the new year.
I'm talkin' a level of happy optimism reminiscent of Cloud 9 and it's been a good few months since I've partook (partaken? whatever.) of the good ol' ganja. I seriously had to take a moment to determine whether I was on a sugar high from the Triple Chocolate Torte cupcake I had just inhaled/smeared all over my face (shout out to Gigi's!) or if I'd forgotten I'd snorted something earlier this morning, OR if neither of those had anything to do with it and I was turning over a new boulder...because the weight of my perception of the world is much heavier than a damn leaf. 

True to form, life happens and I'm reminded of my realistic, borderline pessimistic perception of all things life. What bullshit! 

(Fiiiiine, just sometimes - stamps foot)

I was going to do the whole cliche New Year-outlook-on-life post with all the fluffies and snuggles and warm fuzzies. I've decided I'm still going to reflect on my projected journey for the new year, but it will be much more true to Abigail grumbly form and a lot less sugar (questionable drug) high form from the other day. I am happy to report that I have survived a few more days past the birth of this entry (which is now two weeks ago because I apparently can't handle life enough to finish a damn blog post). Up yours, Trump. Just had to throw that in there considering he advocates for everything that threatens my existence.

So what does 25-year-old -now 26, yippee!- Abigail want (beyond world peace, obvs (that originally said "peach", because I was craving peaches??)) from the year that is bringing her the worst possible candidate for president and her 26th birthday within a matter of days of each other, you might ask? Well, I'm about to fuckin' tell you. Calm your tits. Or don't. It's your life and your chest pain.

Super-Selfish, Privileged, Wish List:

+More tattoos on this damn, too plain body o' mine. I've had a list as long as my damn torso since I was 15 and I have a total of two tattoos. Unacceptable behavior. I'll probably throw in a nip piercing or two for good measure. UPDATE: NEW TAT HAS BEEN OBTAINED. YAS. More later.

+Self-love and unapologetic me time. I have the unabashed habit of mercilessly attacking myself (even though I'm obviously flawless, let's be real) all while exhausting my time, energy, spirit on the happiness of others. This is not being said as a claim that I mirror Mother Theresa. I'm a dick. BUT, I do have an unstoppable force within me that sacrifices my personal happiness and goals to make life easier or more enjoyable for other people. This has been as insignificant as postponing a much-needed hair appointment, because someone wants to hang out and as extreme as not striving for greatness in areas of my life so that I could spend time with someone else. Not really that big of a deal, right? In moderation maybe not, but I have somehow conditioned myself to live my life this way, everyday. Someone else is always more important than me: their desires, needs, dreams, thoughts, etc. I'm going to save you from my inexperienced psychological evaluation, because we'd be here for the rest of our lives, but I am sure it has something to do with growing up in a forced role as a girl in an old-fashioned southern, religious state and household and although I fought tooth and nail to rebel from these ideals, some things creep in and steep unnoticed until the stain is too dark to ignore anymore. I would like to add a more selfish stain this year, without completely masking the other.

That got heavy quick, didn't it?

+ I'd like to retain the friendships that found me and deemed me worthy in 2016. I've never been too skilled with maintaining friendships. Maybe I just come off as a cunt? No seriously, I've been told that before. Thanks, by the way. Dick. For real though, I can be cool sometimes and a few people noticed that this year and decided they'd actually like to spend more than five minutes with me. What is life?? I would like to provide the following disclaimer before I continue, however: In spending time with Abigail, you run the risk of experiencing significantly less coolness and significantly more awkwardness in real life. Abigail is much funnier via internet. User discretion advised. Moving on! I would like to see some of these new friendships bloom into real relationships instead of my usual acquaintance connections. This will take a lot of work on my part, taking on the responsibility of watering these little plants and nurturing them into growth. Ya'll don't mind being called plants, do you? Is this creepy? Nah, I think we're good. Since writing this, I have lost one of those valued relationships which leads me to the next topic.

+ I need to learn to allow others to leave and to effectively let them go. Not everyone has the same capabilities or expectations of themselves as I do. -gasp- Some individuals do not realize their strengths or weaknesses and this can effect the relationships they choose to maintain or choose not maintain with others. I recently lost a friendship I had with someone for the third or fourth time over the last several months and each time it has come as a surprise (how the fuck it's still surprising, I don't fucking know). Regardless, it has been and I have the whiplash bruises to prove it! Chances, chances, chances - I give them in handfuls. I literally figuratively (yes, I know what I just said) hurl chances at people. I just straight up chuck them at their faces. The more chances I waste, the more bitter I want to become. I say all this to say: Abigail needs to chill the fuck out. I can be sad, but ultimately let those who do not want to be here, to not be here. I cannot have a death grip on people that do not, by choice or by not knowing how to, value the same things I do. It will hurt. I generally will still want that connection, but I have no control and the individual is allowed to separate themselves from me for any reason: self-preservation, my obsessive hair-twirling, my constant need to provide my lovely opinion 24/7. All these things warrant separation and I need to be okay with that. Life goals.

Currently - Now that it has been pretty much a month since the initiation of this post (GOD, I'M GOOD), I can evaluate how I have progressed thus far. I am happy to report that I have gotten a new addition to my epidermis (geeeeeek. Can't you tell how smart I am, because I didn't say "skin"??) and it has made me 10x happier than I ever imagined. Maybe I'll write a blog post about that detailing the feels in like four years. Lord help.

I am still struggling with the self-love, but I'm iiiinching in the "me time" bracket!
I is important, dagnamit! 

I am still sad, because I value my true connections with people and I am not sure that will ever change, but I no longer stress myself over the particular situation. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.

I think I'll let you rest the balls in your eye sockets now. Thanks for following along with my incessant gabbing. Hopefully I set aside the me time I should to write another post soon. 
Check you kids latatas.



Monday, August 29, 2016

Celebratory Hater Post - It's Like a Party For My Blog!

Uh first, where's the fucking cake and cue the balloons and confetti because this is a damn celebration!
Little ol' Abigail has her first commentator sippin' on that hatorade. If you think this post is petty, you are welcome to see yourself out. Feel free to check back for another post, though. No hard feels.

The rest of you heathens - grab your party hats, popcorn, punch, and Jujubes to enjoy the show.
(Party favors will be booze for all interested at a later date.)

Now, I'm going to direct the remainder of this post to the sweet little gem that inspired it. 
Aren't you special?

Hello Random Person,

I would say nice to meet you (because I'm a lady like that), but I have a sneaking suspicion I have already met you. Instead, I'll say it's nice to see you again and thanks for taking the time out of your obviously painfully busy day to verse me on myself and relationships. So insightful, truly, but let me set you straight on a few things. You don't mind broadening your views on the subject, do you?
oh, good.

And here we go!

First, I would like to point out that no, I do not think I have it all figured out as I stated in my post. Let me direct your attention to the ninth line of my post where I stated, "And I'm also just fucking clueless of how this is all supposed to work." Well, all be damned! Would ya look at that! I think that pretty explicitly states that I'm practically running around like a chicken with my head cut off. All of my musings are merely just that, a reflection, all of which I form personal opinions about and in no way state that my opinions must be the truth.

The next course will be:

You Don't Know My Life Biscuits With a Side Of Eat Shit Gravy - Check it, I don't care how well you think you know me or my relationships. Let me bitch slap you with reality real quick - you don't know as much as you think you do. If you did, you'd have a much better position in my life than just ranting on my measly blog. I take responsibility for the shortcomings I have had in my relationships. However, I am also able to realize the shortcomings of others and I don't shy away from bringing them to light with my own. That's what you do when you're an adult and you want better relationships. You sit down, evaluate, determine what/who needs to change, and you move forward again like an awkward giraffe calf just birthed 6 feet off the ground, not very smoothly but you get there. Also, you don't know me well enough to know what I think so let's just take a chill pill, yeah? Sit down and drink your hate juice.

Moving on!

Sure, love just is. I can get down with that and all the mushy shit you just vomited all over my rational post. However, love can be evaluated and chosen. I might love an addict, but I am not going to choose that life. That doesn't erase the love, but it is a logical step away from it.You can love someone and still realize the need to walk away. Also, I don't know if you read it, but my post wasn't about love. My post was about casually dating. Two very, very different things with very different expectations and outcomes. And, I get butterflies every time I see pancakes, so...

Truckin' right along here - 

I realize that I have high expectations. Everyone who really knows me and listens to my incessant gabbing has heard me say this repeatedly. I do not ask things of others that I am not fully prepared to offer myself. And yes, I will fall short as will they, but there will be a joint desire to meet those expectations.
Love being unplanned or uncontrollable has nothing to do with my expectations. What are you envisioning here? I might see some person trippin' balls on the sidewalk, chasing after a squirrel for their next meal and experience love at first sight because love just is? No. Well maybe if they caught the squirrel, because that shows some impressive skill and dedication. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! The reason why I am going to fall in love with someone is because they strive to meet my expectations as I would do the same for them. It isn't going to be just some blind force like falling through a time warp where I'm just along for the ride because it's literally uncontrollable. I don't want that kind of love. That's playground love. I want major league love.
"You are always going to fail or be miserable with the requirements, rules and standards you hold." That statement is beyond inaccurate. I am not going to fail, because I am going to continually strive for greatness. Even if I don't attain greatness every time I grasp for it, I am still succeeding just by the effort itself. I would much rather hold high standards for myself and others and not have a perfect outcome than have low expectations that are met every time. I am not going to be miserable, because I am continuously progressing in learning and knowing myself. Also, homegirl over here knows how to make herself happy. I don't need no man!..or woman. I am going to hold out for that person who either meets my expectations or shows me that they are genuinely too high because they strive to meet them first and then educate me as to why I am being unreasonable. That person is going to be worth the wait. I will not settle just because I happen to feel butterflies. I will feel the whole fucking zoo with the right person.

Just around the riverbend!

You're right. I can only control and change myself. That entails controlling who I allow and devote my time to and for whom I want to change.
"If you have been let down in the past, it is due to you letting yourself down and not initiating self control of yourself." I'll give you partial credit. I take full responsibility for expecting things of people that I know cannot meet the requirements. I take full responsibility for settling and fooling myself into wasting time on people who are not worth it. However, I am always honest and forward about the things that I want and expect and I encourage that of others. I also expect them to be honest about whether or not they can or want to meet my expectations. Everyone has the right to say no or bow out. It takes two to tango...not sexually in this situation.
"Stop blaming others and letting yourself down. It will only come when you are ready for it, and not before. So if you want love and don't have it, ask yourself what YOUR doing wrong." First, you're*. Second, I place blame where blame is due. It is usually shared and I reserve the right to determine who has fallen short where, because this is my fucking life. If someone has a problem, I will promptly show them the door because they obviously don't have enough salt to pass muster. I am continually learning from myself and growing. I never claim to be faultless. I am capable of being faulty and realizing the faults in others. I am constantly evaluating myself to determine what I can do to be a better person for myself and that will be worthy of the love that I desire, all of which is no one else's business but mine.

Finale - 

I think you missed the entire point of my post and the blatant sarcasm tucked throughout. The post was about dating casually, my reflections/hypotheses on said dating and the people it involves, and me floundering throughout the process. Netflix and Chill while dating casually is not on the docket for me and this is not a term I would personally use if I were in love with someone.
Yes the long-term goal is to find my person, but at this moment it's about taking the time to explore individuals and myself and fighting the urge to jump into another lackluster relationship.
I hope this has helped you understand that it's best not to speak out of turn and to really know what/whom you're talking about before you open your mouth so that others don't have to clean up the bullshit that you spew. Have a great day and keep striving not to judge others as will I.

P.S. You can't mic drop, because I already did. Snooze, ya lose!



Thursday, August 18, 2016

I'm In Foreign Waters: The Dating Game

Well ya'll, I think it has finally been long enough for me to own up to the fact that I am fucking single.

like a dollar bill in a stripper's thong

but a classy one

Doesn't that word just drip anxiety? For someone like myself who happens to be a serial monogamist, it does.

Hi. My name is Abigail Griffin and it has been 1 month since my last serious relationship.
*snaps for applause*

At the wise, old age of 25, I find that I have done myself an injustice by not allowing myself to date - like real, grown-up, adulting stuff. And I'm also just fucking clueless of how this is all supposed to work. I feel like there's this general idea that guides how dating is supposed to work, but it is becoming more and more obvious to me that everyone has their own individual interpretation of what dating is.

First, you have what in my mind is "Movie Dating". My favorite example of this type of dating is the movie How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days. (If you haven't seen it, go repent, watch it, and get back to me. Kate Hudson. Yum. Matthew McConaughey. Yes, sweet Jesus.) 
The premise of the movie is that both of these people are dating each other for their own personal bets - one wants to terrorize the other until they split, and the other wants to wine and dine until the other falls in love. It's hilarious and endearing. 
But back to the dating aspect: They both actively go out on dates whether it's a Celine Dion concert, a semi-finals basketball game, dinner, or a home-cooked meal with the game playing in the background. There's no Netflix and Chill. I repeat, there is no Netflix and Chill. I'm not even going to get into that idea and our generation. That is a whoooooole different blog post waiting to happen. The few weeks of them dating shows a gradual gravity between them where the relationship gets more and more personal until there's a specific time where McConaughey asks Hudson to attend an event with him, but as his girlfriend officially. 
So, in short (which I am obviously incapable of doing), there's a span of time where two people date each other casually, maybe dating others along the way, have sex when it just feels right, and potentially vibe enough to where they take the step to become exclusive. 

Then, there's this whole idea that "hanging out" is dating, which almost always turns into a relationship, and not very successful ones in my experience. This is a version of Netflix and Chill, where one or both individuals are insecure in their claim on the other and they feel compelled to latch on before they even really know if there is something substantial there out of which to form a relationship.  Lesbians, or fellow members of the gay community, know this as "u-hauling". I'm pretty confident we have all done it and the majority of these situations do not end up blooming into fruitful relationships. Key word is fruuuuitful. PLEASE, someone somewhere tell me I'm wrong so that hopeless romantic Abigail can have a field day. You're lying.
Instead of wining and dining each other, keeping some distance, and really exploring each other, people like to just chill. "Come over to my house and watch a movie." Sure, "watch" "a movie".
 -insert eyeroll- 
Because, we all fucking know what that means: we will both pose as if we are genuinely interested in this movie, but really we just want to make a move on each other, which almost always ends up happening and then someone is miraculously surprised as to why/how you just had sex with one another. Boundaries, anyone?! Gross and boring and easy. Yes, I'm judging you. Yes, I have done it. So, sue me, because I'm judging myself too.
In my opinion, this sets a much lower standard for a relationship. Individuals become too familiar too quickly and they feel a pull to each other that they shouldn't in such a short time. Whenever another option comes around for either party, it sends the other into a frenzy and they feel as if they have to lock each other down so that they don't have to deal with the possibility of not being the chosen one, when in reality, finding out if you are the chosen one is very important. If you aren't going to be chosen while you're just dating or hanging out with someone, you most likely won't be chosen even while you're in a relationship with someone. Chew on THAT ONE for a while. Reeeeally grind it down. We'll have a spitting contest later. I'll win, because I'm older and wiser. Obviously.

I guess where I get lost is, how much information is the other person privy to regarding whether or not you're dating or having sex with other people. What actions are too personal and should be reserved for exclusive relationships and which actions aren't? Is jealousy allowed? Uh, because homegirl over here likes territory markers. Perks of being a serial monogamist, I should think.
 Let's have a quick Q&A!
Q: How much information is the other person privy to regarding whether or not you're dating or having sex with other people?
A: I think all parties should be aware of whether or not the other is sexually active with others. Maybe it should just be an assumption? But I think being forward and clear is the best policy. I also think it's best to inform each other that you're dating other people, unless specifically requested not to. Sometimes people let that information effect their thoughts and it ruins the whole thing, so as long as both parties are in agreement about what information to divulge and what not to, all is right with the world.
Q: What actions are too personal and should be reserved for exclusive relationships and which aren't?
A: Obviously, don't invite someone you're dating to a funeral or family occasion. To me, those are perks of being exclusive. Sometimes I blur these lines, because I care about people and their well-being. NO. DON'T. DO. IT. It just skews the current nature of the relationship and makes you feel as if there's more there than there actually is.  Also, still trying to decide if butterfly kisses should be a perk of exclusivity. Will report back.
Q: Is jealousy allowed?
A: Whether it's allowed or not, it will be there, lurking. I enjoy very clearly noting what is mine and what is not. However, in the dating game, nothing is yours. Even though jealousy is inevitable for some people (who the hell is it not inevitable for, because you're not real), that does not mean that any actions caused by jealousy are appropriate. You get to hold that little demon nugget in your head or deep in your stomach until you have been given the exclusivity token at which point you can spew all that pent up jealousy on the next scrub that thinks they have a special role in your special somebody's life like a bunch of winning tickets spurting out of an arcade game. Go big or go home.

I realize that it all comes down to people and communication. It is imperative to communicate expectations, opinions, concerns regarding an issue like dating and the guidelines of each individual's interpretation. I feel as though people fall short in this area which leads to obvious complications. And seriously, trying to date different people each with their own interpretation of what dating is can give a girl some intense whiplash.

I think most often people are scared. They're scared of rejection or of not being the person that the person they currently want, wants. Instead of being an adult and facing those fears, being honest, they morph into something that the other person prefers or they swear up, down, side-to-side, Hail Mary that they can be who the other person wants. This can only last so long, however, and then what happens? You have just wasted your time and their time. This is something I have realized I no longer have time for, which could also be its own blog entry because I don't know how to shut up! Just own it. Own who you are and what you want, be honest, and don't apologize for it.

All-in-all, I will enjoy the opportunity of this long overdue dating period of my "young" adulthood and I do not intend on cutting it short for anyone unworthy. I am so tired of my time being wasted because of someone else's insecurities or even my own. I am 25 and I can own that I have no interest in being the Netflix and Chill girl. I have no interest in being a fuck buddy or dating randoms. I want to date potential. I want someone to share a life with and Netflix and chill material isn't going to cut it.

.mic drop.


Tuesday, July 5, 2016

W(h)ine Wednesday: 25 Years Of Baggage In Tow. Er, Just Kidding. It's Tuesday!

As you can see, this post was intended for a couple of weeks ago with a bottle of wine at the ready. I wanted to wait to post it until I could add a few cutesy pictures and of course, a staged picture of myself guzzling a bottle of my current preferred wine. Didn't happen. WHY? Because I'm me. And, I just love me. So, here you go - two weeks late and on a Tuesday no less with one teeny-tiny, sweet picture. ENJOY IT, damn it.
I've recently undergone a pretty serious life change and with those always come evaluations of one's self and the baggage that has amassed. It kind of helps me realign things that have been skewed and catch all of those squabbling ducks that have wandered off and put them back in a row. Baggage can be viewed as a negative contributor, but I also think it can be an asset. It has the ability to represent your battle scars. If you look beyond the fact that you are currently or have been carting a bunch of bullshit, you can see your resilience in each stitch of every suitcase you lug. Let's go through mine, shall we?!
To prevent this from getting all cut-your-wrist depressing, I have decided to tell you some interesting, boring, and awkward things about myself that my baggage has brought to my attention. 

Because yes, and why wouldn't you be dying to know? BAM. 

Here we go:

  1. I identify as Bisexual. That does not mean I'm confused or can't decide which gender I prefer. It also doesn't mean I'm a slut. It means I don't allow gender to determine who I am attracted to. I am attracted to a person, not a hoohah or weinerschnitzel.
  2. I will always regret not officially coming out and not doing it sooner, even though I was in a very dangerous environment to do so.
  3. Up until a few years ago, I pronounced "espresso" like "eXpresso", because I'm obviously a genius and so much cooler than you. I had an aha moment when I worked at Starbucks for a while. Light bulb!
  4. I don't like change in official areas of my life - work, school, but I get stir crazy if things are always the same. Yes, I know how contradictive that is.
  5. I would always rather be somewhere besides where I am. I choose to look at it like I'm always striving for greatness as opposed to the depressingly true version that I'm never satisfied.
  6. Give me a beach and a horse and I'm good.
    No, this is not me..but it should be.
  7. Firm believer in Karma. I've been on both ends.
  8. I was a total kleptomaniac until the age of about 17 - only at huge, douchey corporations like Wal-Mart, because I thought I was sticking it to the man. You can thank my sister for that one.
  9. My dad moved out of the country on my 11th birthday. I was able to travel to Turkey and Greece to see him at the age of 13(14?) after a two year stint of no communication.
  10. Most of the people I consider to be true family are not blood-related.
  11. It's really difficult for me not to really difficult.
  12. I don't think about how dirty things are because I would be a legitimate germophobe if I did - straight up Jack Nicholson style in As Good As It Gets. (awesome movie, btw)
  13. I LOVE LURVE LAAAAHVE dancing - any kind. Current fave is two-stepping. I was in ballet for 4-5 years and I will always be bitter about not being able to continue.
  14. I get annoyed by how logical I am. I have not pursued a writing career or a music career due to the fact that most people don't make it in these areas, but they will always be passions of mine.
  15. I cannot stand small talk. I'd rather sit in silence - or drive a knife through my skull - than have meaningless conversation.
  16. The worst possible date for me is dinner, or lunch, or breakfast. There will always be food in my hair. PLEASE don't ask me out to eat. My incapability to complete the simple task of transferring food from plate and drink from cup to my mouth will probably not win you over.
  17. I feel sexiest when I wear something off-the-shoulder and please, pleeeeease compliment me on my perfume. Because what else is a girl good for other than showing off some freckled shoulders and smelling like a goddess?
  18. My confidence lies in my hair and my freckled shoulders.
  19. I broke my right ankle in three places (left, right, back) in 2013. I am very self-conscious of the scars from surgery and constant swelling, because my ankles used to be one of my favorite parts of my body and now one of them looks suspiciously close to a cankle.
  20. I fractured my skull and broke a bone in my ear two months prior. I now have a prosthetic bone in my right ear to help recover my hearing loss. I still can't hear worth a shit and have serious memory issues. It's really cool. And yes, I did get to keep the real bone. That's actually really cool.
  21. I will replay a song over and over and over until I feel like I have heard it enough. It can last for hours or days. The same goes for movies. Bite me.
  22. Movies and Moscato are life.
  23. I would rather spend five hours trying to figure something out for myself than have someone else do it in two minutes. Seriously, I'm that stubborn. It's annoying.
  24. My patience level is like -2,000 at all times. I'm a work-in-progess, okay?!
  25. My cremated bits and pieces will probably continue rolling my eyes until the end of time.
    And one more for good measure!
  26. I cannot stand people who are having an active text conversation with me but continuously reply 20minutes or later...did you fall into a black hole?? Also, I am the person who will open your text, read it, and plum forget to respond for like a week..because I probably saw something shiny. Hypocrite. THERE, I said it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Jock Royalty, White Male Privilege, Social Class Superiority - Oh, What a Wonderous World!


As if Brockie T. and his dad weren't disgusting enough, Brockie's father has launched a fundraiser to help with legal fees. Thoughts? Plenty.
  1. Who the fuck would donate money to a rapist? The scary thing is that there are people that surely will. "We feel so sorry for you that you got so drunk you just slipped and fell on an unconscious girl and accidentally raped her. Please take our money, you poor thing! You can't make it to the Olympics, but we'll fund you for rape."
  2. You want people to donate money to your son for something that he caused?
  3. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say they surely have the money for this lawyer, but why not take even more advantage of people when you can, right? Who seriously lacks the kind of humility to pay for their rape debt?!
  4. This fundraiser is dripping with sympathy for this douche and his family, like he's the victim, like he was the one dragged behind a dumpster and raped. 
  5. Maybe forcing your son to take responsibility for his actions, get a job, and pay the debt himself would be an eye-opener for him. Probably not, but a girl can dream.
  6. Does anyone even realize the monumental financial hole you find yourself in when you're raped??  So, the person who caused this entire situation is being offered financial support, but the person this happened to isn't. 
Seriously, my skin is boiling and I want to vomit.
I was saving this special, little gold-nugget-of-a-post with a different focus entirely, but due to a recent uproar I'm going to highlight this little prick: This is Brock Turner, age 20, former and exalted Stanford swimmer.

I prefer the term rapist, but to each their own.

Would ya take a look at the difference of those pictures! The first, is the booking photo from the night he raped an unconscious, intoxicated woman. The second photo is his yearbook photo - the one you have undoubtedly seen plastered all over the news and countless stories until yesterday, when Stanford finally released the photo from the night of the rape that took place over a year ago
A little background:
Santa Clara County Judge Aaron Persky (aka, a sorry excuse for a judge) sentenced Brockie to six months in the county jail with three years of probation on June 2, 2016. (I feel a nickname is appropriate due to the little hand-slapping punishment he's receiving.) Persky's excuse for the measly sentence was he understood the "devastation" the victim suffered, but he feared the imprisonment of Brock would have a "severe" impact on him. Hm, severe. Oh, you mean like being raped while you're unconscious and having to wake up in a hospital for someone to inform you that you have been violated and then witnessing your assailant using every scapegoat in the book to repeatedly be excused for his actions? Good call.
A jury found him guilty of three felonies: assault with the attempt to commit rape, sexual penetration with a foreign object of an intoxicated person, and sexual penetration with a foreign object of an unconscious person.

Let's just be real here for a sec: Brockie was noticed by two bicyclists raping an unconscious and intoxicated woman behind a dumpster. 

The scene was so horrifying that one of them could not stop crying throughout his explanation of the event.You can find a short blurb about them here.

Sidebar, just to reflect:

Moving on to the little turd's gem-of-a-father:
This special little-miracle-of-a-man submitted a letter to the judge before the sentencing  in defense of Brockie. A few highlights -
+ details Brock's previous joy in cooking/eating which he has now lost
+ Brock's life will never be the same because of "20 minutes of action"
+ No priors, no violence toward anyone except this one teeny tiny incident
+ Brock is committed to educating those about the dangers of alcohol and sexual promiscuity
+ Brock - a rapist, in case you forgot - should educate other students to allow society to break the cycle of binge drinking and its "unfortunate results"
You can find the whole letter here. I can't imagine you continuing life without reading this beautiful piece of bullshit.
My response, you ask??
+ No one gives a shit what Brock used to enjoy and now doesn't. Why? He alone is responsible - not this woman that decided to go to a party with her sister and drink, not the Swedish men who allowed his arrest, and I'll even go out on a limb here and say the hosts of the party aren't to blame either. Brock took it upon himself to take advantage of a very sensitive situation, because he felt entitled.
+ If Brock's father deems it appropriate to refer to a rape as "20 minutes of action", I can understand why Brock believes it is okay to rape an unconscious woman and hold no remorse or responsibility for it. Also, no one gives a fuck about the way Brock's life has been altered. He literally brought it upon himself. The rape did, has, and will last more than 20 minutes for the victim, I can assure you.
+ What is the point of mentioning Brock having zero priors?? Not committing rape before actually raping someone does not excuse the rape. We don't get pats on the back for not committing crimes. He is not a victim.Your son is now a rapist, period.
+ Rape is not a danger of alcohol and sexual promiscuity. It is the danger of entitled pricks not being held accountable for taking something they want and then being applauded for swimming times. It is the danger of a rape being ignored because of someone's color, someone's social class, and reflecting solely on the assumed failures of the woman to avoid such a situation.
+ The only thing Brock will be strengthening the education of is the unavoidable truth of how easy it is to get away with rape if your color is just right, you've got some change in your pocket, and as an added bonus you're a worshiped jock. A rape is not an unfortunate result of binge drinking. It is not an accident. There is no "Oops!", "Oh, well!", or "I'll do better next time". Rape and drinking do not go hand-in-hand. You decide to drink and you decide to rape.
Just to further show how much Brockie is not a victim, here is his statement to the judge detailing just how much of a victim he is and that he refuses to take responsibility for his actions. I'm not even going to add my two cents, because it would be more like a million dollars and Brockie humiliates himself just fine on his own.
Other fantastic points of view:
Just in case you'd like a play-by-play on Brockie's statement, this chick has some bite.

This guy's June 6th post says it perfectly when it comes to the effects of drunkenness and douchebaggery: "I've been drunk many times, even in the prescence of promiscuous women who were also drunk, and I managed not to rape them, so I don't think drinking and promiscuity are the problems.
This here is the problem: some guys are entitled pricks, and they're entitled pricks because their fathers and coaches and friends taught them to be entitled pricks. Because they are entitled pricks, they think they can have whatever they want, and that their worth is defined by what they have and what they take.
Alcohol has this capacity to unlock what, deep down, we've always wanted to do."
I strongly urge you to read the remainder of the post.

Here are a couple more do-gooders that have spoken out - a father of a son to the father of Brock, and a 20-year-old male with a message for the victim.
The victim:
I'm going to leave you with the victim's letter to Brock. It is long. It is detailed. It is grueling. But, it is strong and brave and beautiful and true. As a fellow victim of sexual assault, this letter and the pain resonates with me. It never leaves you and there are few things that are more infuriating than watching the perpetrator get away with a slap on the wrist, if anything at all, and exuding zero remorse.
Her last paragraph is dedicated to "girls everywhere":
"And finally, to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you. Thank you."