Thursday, February 1, 2018

When Sweet is Actually Sinister

Welcome back, Heathren.
Every time I start a post, I plan to not be so personal this time, to shy away from washing my dirty laundry in public.
And, you know, life just doesn't seem to let me do that.
I have three or four other blog posts in my queue that aren't about me and my hot mess of a life, one about the Women's March/State of the Union, one about trans rights, one about BLM, that some of you might much rather read. I will get to them.
This may end up being just as important.
And, honestly, with the emotions streaming through me right now, I wouldn't be able to do any of those justice tonight.
This, though, this is burning me up in this very moment.

I originally planned this post while I was at work tonight. It was going to be funny, sarcastic, like I always hope to be. I was going to call it "Bitch Buffet", gently gliding my outstretched arm across the air like the title was up in lights on Broadway in New York City. My opener was going to be something like, "Are ya'll ready to nom on the smorgasbord of a bitch feast I'm about to serve you?!" Yes, I was proud of those. Unfortunately, this post has taken a more serious turn and I hope you stick around to let it sink in.

Some of you may have noticed a couple of comments that were left on my "New Year, Novel YOU" post yesterday and the day before. I have since deleted them, but I bet you checked - or at least thought about it - before finishing this sentence. Drama glutton. I will not quote them, but those comments are what I will be referring to along with the situation as a whole. Some of you may also remember my post "Celebratory Hater Post - It's Like a Party For My Blog!" and the comments that followed that. These all tie together. Let me point out that the latter of the two posts and its subsequent comments were posted over a year ago

Abigail, for christ's sake, give me some backstory.

Alright, jesus, I was getting to it. The individual that left the comments and that I have wrathfully responded to in the past is an old coworker of mine, an ex-friend that I confided in, associated with often, and shared flirtatious encounters with for a short period of time. This person also happens to be mentally unstable - it's documented. (This I did not find out until too late, because I'm a rockstar at recognizing bipolar sociopaths, obviously.) I finally decided to sever ties with this person and they decided to not only disregard that, but to continue harassing me and setting off a grenade in the middle of a sensitive time in my life.
After months of unwanted text messages, Facebook messages, DM's, and finally blog comments, I put my foot down and informed said individual that I knew who they were and that I would take legal action if they did not stop contacting me. Those comments are still intact.
At this point, this person seemingly disappeared until I was woken up a morning or two later at 4AM by an angry ex-girlfriend banging on my bedroom window and door who proceeded to yell out in my yard about the aforementioned person contacting them via Facebook. I have told you this to show that because the person no longer felt okay to target me directly, they targeted someone they thought was closest to me that they had access to. If alarms aren't going off now, you aren't paying attention.

Fast forward a year and some months and the cycle has started all over again. This person resurfaced after coming back from deployment. I know this because people I know like to sometimes keep tabs on other people I know. I'm glaring at all of you, because literally everyone alive does this shit. 
It started with a text message from an unknown number and a Facebook message from this person, one saying, "Good morning beautiful" and the other saying, "Hey beautiful" on the same day, a few hours apart. 
Four days later, my sister called me out of the blue to inform me that an old job of mine, one I have not been employed with in more than two years, had received a bouquet of flowers addressed to me. I, being the nosy little shit I am, was extremely curious and a little excited. I fucking love flowers. By the time I got to my old job, I realized who they were probably from and I checked my Facebook messages again. I had received another message earlier the same day. When I opened the flowers, the note said exactly what the Facebook message said and was signed by the same person. 
Less than two weeks later, I received another bouquet of flowers at one of my current jobs while I was off. This person should have no idea that I am employed at this company, by the way, because we were no longer talking when I got hired. Once again, the note read exactly the same as the first. 
About a week later, I received another text message from a different unknown number that said "Abigail?" I googled the area code and sure enough, it was the same area code of the state this person hails from. 
Two weeks later, I received another Facebook message from the same person.
Four days later, this person showed up at my other job, their old job, just before I was supposed to arrive for a shift. I was lucky enough to have been warned beforehand and I called out for the shift. Three days later, I missed a Facebook call from the same person.
The next day, I had a blog comment from this person. 
The two following days, I had one comment on each day that I ended up seeing today and deleting. 

This is the important shit.

I need to point out a few things.
  •  Everything in the last paragraph happened from December until now. Yes, ALL OF THAT was in the span of less than two months.
  • I didn't even detail all the bullshit from over a year ago. There's no way I'd have the time. They include unwanted lewd pictures via text message.
  • I have not responded to a single outreach since I told this person I would take legal action over a year ago.
  • Over a year ago, I did try responding to talk sense into them and it only escalated the situation.
  • I am lucky that I was smart enough not to allow this person to know where I live. Otherwise, this situation could be much more severe.
  • There was never any legitimate romantic relationship for this person to cling to and obsess over - we were not in a relationship and we did not date.
  • They got angry with me when I became single and did not want to pursue a relationship with them.
  • This person is not a victim.
  • This is not about me looking for attention. For me, this is embarrassing even though I have no control over someone else's actions. I would rather not blast this shit for everyone to see, but I'd also rather not be harassed and shedding light on these situations needs to happen more often so that someone will actually start fixing the system.
  • THIS. IS. HARASSMENT.

So, what did I do?

I called the police tonight and filed a report. Now, I know from real testimonies and my obsession with Law & Order SVU that I have no grounds - according to the law - to get a restraining order or anything of the sort. Our system doesn't like to get its hands dirty until someone is in literal danger of death. Sounds pretty fucking promising. Despite being intelligent and knowing that I would be left unsatisfied, I filed the report anyway, grasping for any possible option I had to end the very real, very threatening issue. I was asked a few preliminary questions to provide a succinct explanation for my call and then I was told that a police officer would be dispatched to my home to speak with me. It probably took less than an hour for Officer Francis of the Oklahoma City Police Department to arrive. 
Now, I'm not very comfortable with police officers to begin with - not because I don't respect them and recognize the service they selflessly provide - but because I am very aware that not all of them have your best interest at heart. Unfortunately, I had to suck it up and invite a stranger into my home that I was very aware might just laugh at me, in hopes to get shit taken care of.
I invited him in and he stood in my doorway. I've literally never had a police officer in my home, let alone been in this situation, so I had no idea what the protocol was. I mentioned that I had cats in case he was allergic. Apparently he was, but he said it was fine. I offered for him to have a seat. He declined. We stood there, staring at each other, at which point I said something like, soooo how is this supposed to go, I've never been in this situation before. It was very awkward and he seemed completely uninterested in being there.
He then proceeded to tell me to just explain what was going on while he was hyper focused on my cat that decided he was interested in rubbing against the officer's crisp, spotless, black slacks. The officer literally stared at my cat, as I was talking, and at one point uncomfortably shuffled his feet away. During this time, I was describing the types of blog comments I had received and handed him my phone to read the most current ones that prompted the call. I then took my cats into the other room.
When I came back, Officer Francis had an unconcerned look on his face. He shrugged, chuckled, and explained to me that the situation I had described seemed harmless, that this person just wanted to "get back with me". We were never together, which I explained to the officer, repeatedly. (Apparently repeating things to people does not make them more clear. I will need to remember this.)
Me being the person that I am, I did not accept his answer. I commented that I realized this person had not abused me and that they had not yet posed a physical threat to me, but that this person's actions were unwarranted, unstable, obsessive, out-of-bounds, and threatening. He responded, shrugging and chuckling again, that there really wasn't anything he could do besides call this person and ask them to stop contacting me. He stated once more that this person is not a threat and that they just want to be with me.
I asked, "So even though this person repeatedly harasses me after I have repeatedly told them to stop and then comments on my blog and states that they won't stop until I give them another chance, they aren't a threat...even though they are literally threatening to keep bothering me?" Officer Francis shrugs and chuckles. Again. He then repeated that he would call this person if I wanted him to. I replied with, "Well, if that's the only thing you can actually do, why not."
The officer headed out to his car and on the way out asked if I knew the neighbors beside me. Surprised (and probably obviously perturbed), I said no, but that the police had been there a couple of times. Officer Francis commented that he had been there and arrested someone.
He then asked if I had seen "a black guy" around. I stated that I didn't keep tabs on my neighbors, so I didn't notice anyone besides the people I knew for a fact live there, a mother and a son. He asked more questions, repeated that he arrested that guy, that it pissed him off, and then proceeded to his vehicle.
Interesting, really. Fucking intriguing.
Officer Francis called the person and returned to tell me that this individual stated they did not know that I did not want them contacting me. (I am serious and I was just as mystified as you probably are. I guess a year of silence resets the whole thing? Jesus.) He also said that the individual sounded upset, but that they said they would leave me alone. Job well-fucking-done, Officer Francis. I feel safer already, considering the bullshit that just transpired. Officer Francis told me that this would be documented, to call again if I was bothered further, left my residence, and I am now more pissed off than before. 

I said all of that to say this:

"Sweetness", when uninvited, is still harassment and you do not have to put up with it. Officer Francis, along with the world at large, do not take complaints like mine seriously because the perpetrator's actions are viewed as romantic or nice or just persistent - "just" something. Excuses are made when you don't have bruises and broken bones to prove menace, and even then excuses are still made. 
This person that is harassing me is manipulative and mentally unstable. I have repeatedly informed them that they misunderstood the nature of our friendship and that I am not interested in pursuing any type of relationship with them, platonic or not. I have repeatedly asked, then told them, to stop contacting me. They are not romantic or sweet or just trying to be friends. They are stalking me. They are not respecting my right as a human being to tell them that they are not welcome in my life.
Flowers that you do not want, being sent to a job you no longer have, and then to a job you do have, are not sweet - THEY ARE FUCKING CREEPY AND THREATENING. They make you wonder when and if someone will show up when you are alone and attack you just because you have been ignoring them. They make you wonder if this person is going to show up at your place of work and assault you or follow you home. 
Nice words do not always carry a harmless connotation, especially when the person refuses to take responsibility for their actions and ends up lying to a police officer about the situation. These words and actions are NOT.FUCKING.NICE. They are fucking disturbing.

I refuse to be silent. This situation feeds directly into rape culture and victim blaming and I am not having it. This is where the most dangerous of experiences take seed and grow into situations that end in abuse and death. Police officers and individuals that are lukewarm in these situations are dangerous.
I will not allow someone to make me feel as if I am silly to think someone is a threat. The fact that this person and I have had prior relations does not make this kind of behavior acceptable. Absolutely nothing makes it acceptable. Even if I promised them we would be together forever and was knee deep in a love affair with them, this would not be acceptable the moment I told them to stop. This kind of bullshit should not be tolerated, let alone chuckled at, shrugged at, and treated as even less of an issue than a motherfucking cat or a previous arrest of a person of color next door. 
You know what should piss you off, Officer Francis? That a woman has been harassed for longer than a year and you can't do anything about it because she hasn't been physically attacked. I wonder if you'd chuckle and shrug at your wife if this was her experience.

To you, you piece of shit, because I know you're reading this. You will not win. I have fought bigger, scarier battles than you and won. I will take every course of action and annoy every person in the god damn court system if I have to, to prevent you from bothering me. I will not be intimidated by you and I will not stop contacting the police if you do not leave me alone. You are not a victim and you will not manipulate this situation to benefit yourself. I see you for who you really are. I will not shy away from dragging you out in the streets for everyone that loves me to feast on, if you do not desist. I don't care if I have to drag out my own skeletons to do it. I will make you a target like you have made me one, but I will not miss mine when I shoot. 

*Call to Arms - 
If you have been in the same situation as I have, do not sit silently. The only way change will come to pass is by not shying away from the fight. If you notice this kind of problem with someone else, please let them know you are there for them. Believe them. Support them. Listen to them. If you are the friend of the asshole that doesn't get the message, CALL THAT MOTHERFUCKER OUT. Don't turn a blind eye and think it has nothing to do with you. Every fight needs allies and I can assure you that you do not want the blood on your hands from staying silent or excusing behavior as the norm when it should not be the norm.
Our system is quite evidently broken. The fact that it has always been this way is not grounds to allow it to stay this way. Perhaps my situation is not as dire as physical abuse. I am aware of that. However, it is dire enough to be taken seriously and there should be a system in place to do so. At the very least, we as a society need to change our mindset regarding what is acceptable and what is not. Wrapping harassment and stalkery up in a pretty little bouquet of flowers and throwing around "I love you" does not make it something other than sinister harrassment and stalkery.
Once again, if you are in or have been in this situation, do not feel the need to stay silent and do not talk yourself into staying silent. Call perpetrators out. Light fires under their asses. Draw them out into the town square and put a spotlight on them. Cause a raucous. Do not make excuses for them. It is so incredibly easy to do so and others will do that enough for you, but there will be people like me that will believe you, that will stand next to you, and help you effect change. If you cannot speak up, if you must remain silent, I still see you. You are still valid. I will cause enough raucous for myself so that the right people will take notice and, in partnership with others, the status quo will begin to change.

The motherfucking time is motherfucking up.




amg




2 comments:

  1. Right on! I had to dig up some skeletons in order to shed light on a “chivalrous” stalker once. It wasn’t okay. Nothing about their behavior was okay. But in the end, the revelation set me free and put a spotlight on the perpetrator...which hopefully prevented them from repeating their deplorable actions on another.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the support! I'm glad you made it through. I'm hopeful this person will learn a more respectful way to navigate connections with people.

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