Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Self-Destruction to Self-Discovery

Welcome back to my sad, little life, you fellow heathens!
This is a warning that shit's about to get pretty depressing and personal.
Stick around and eat it up, though. It'll be fun.
Literally free entertainment at my expense.
Why would you say no?
There will (probably) be the following (because let's be honest, my emotions are a shit show):
(in no specific order, because I literally have no organization skills ever)

+ self-deprecation
+ bitterness
+ sadness
+ elation
+ comical relief (maybe)

So, let's hit the party gong and get this shit started.
Sidebar - I have just added going to a party with a party gong to my bucket list. My life is getting better by the second.

Today, I have a very odd feeling of inspiration. The reason it's odd, is because it is from the deepest, darkest place I have been to in a while and two days ago I wanted to drive head first into oncoming traffic. Win some, lose some. There's nothing quite like fucking up your life in order to force yourself to stop making excuses and make changes. It's refreshing to own that no one else is responsible for the journey your life takes, but you. I am where I am, because I have chosen (either consciously or not) to be here. Although someone's actions are not under my control, I have either ignored or accepted certain things to bring me where I am today. That is a big lesson - a lesson I seem intent on teaching and reteaching myself. 26 years into the grave and I still have difficulty seeing my connections to the downfall of my expectations for my life. Ready for another lesson?

Expectations are not the devil.

That one has taken some getting used to. It is a well-known fact that my expectations are out.of.this.god-forsaken.world! What is not a well-known fact is that I am not apologetic for it. Sometimes I let people weaken me, which makes me question myself and my expectations. - Ew why, you ask? I don't fucking know. I'm not a therapist. - However, at the end of the day, I feel that my expectations are justified and that someone is capable of meeting them.
Expectations are not the root of all evil and though they may be high, you have the right to have the expectations you have. It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, you can expect the world, but I'd encourage you to aspire to give what you want in return.

You also have the right to realize that there are going to be several people that will disappoint those expectations, all in varying degrees. This does not make the other person a bad person. It does not mean they are less-than. It simply means, they're not your people. I have the habit of being unsatisfied if most of my expectations are not met to almost their complete extent. That is my burden to bear. I have learned that compromise is key and within the past year, I have made even more of an effort than before to stop and evaluate situations for a compromise. This brings me to my next personal lesson.


Compromise does not mean making excuses for people who are not willing or able to meet your needs.

Although compromising is important, mature, and healthy, it lends itself to allowing someone the ability to waiver too much on their needs. Once you weaken your position, the floodgates of hell and insecurity open and wreak fucking havoc. Some people will zero in on this fact like a Navy Seal sniper and abuse or manipulate it. Others are nicer people and that is not their intent. I have had experience with both. (Which most recently? I'll letcha take a wild fucking guess from the spirit of this post.) I find it is important to be able to recognize the kind of person you are dealing with as early as possible and trust yourself, trust your gut. There are those that can manipulate any person and any situation. Fuck them. Those are bad people. They are not your people, unless you are one of them. In which case, fuck you. 

There are people that will convince you they can meet your expectations. They might even be able to for a while. Sometimes all you get is a little sliver of time when they're true to their word and you have to know when to call it. It's sticky and messy, but it will save you so much time and pain in the end. You'll thank yourself. There is a difference between someone who is trying to meet your expectations and someone who is just trying to placate you. Strive to recognize the difference and don't apologize for taking action. Some people will do you a favor and sever ties with you on their own, but trust, that will be on their time and without any consideration of how their actions currently and will affect you. Fuck those people too.


Moving on to excuses! 

It is unbelievably easy to make excuses for people, especially those you care deeply about. They're stressed. They had a bad day. They're just distracted. They'll do better when they've had some space/sleep/food (because let's be real, hangry is a legitimate personality trait). They just forgot because...? They're mom died. Okay, maybe not something that intense, but you catch my drift. Some of these things are valid and pretty much all of this is dependent on the situation (yeah, good luck figuring that shit out), but I would say a good chunk of the time excuses are made when choices should be made. (I'll explain that in a sec, because I'm pretty proud of that gem.) Excuses should not be habitual and they definitely shouldn't be made by you on someone else's behalf. Would you let a stranger, a coworker, family member, anyone else make excuse after excuse without batting an eyelash and questioning it? I hope not.

Excuses should become choices.
What I mean is, after a certain extent, there comes a time when instead of making an excuse for someone you make a choice for yourself. You determine the guidelines. If this means discussing a solution and asking them to participate in reaching that solution, good. If this means choosing to change the way you perceive or handle a situation, cool, but err on the side of caution. That can be a slippery slope. If this instead means making the choice to separate from said person, DO.IT. Do not, I repeat, do not talk yourself out of it. Your gut knows you better than your mind does. I didn't mention your heart, because we all know that fucker doesn't know shit. It's pretty, but it's as dumb as a doorknob. Choose yourself, your happiness, your security. No one will fight as hard for you as you can.


Trust your instincts.


People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That was a very recent and difficult lesson to put under my belt. You are not an exception was another one. People will show you who they are and that very well may be drastically different than who they tell you they are. Be mindful of it and trust yourself. If someone treats someone in a negative manner, you are not an exception. You will be treated the same. If someone tells you they aren't up to snuff, it isn't endearing and humble. It's the fucking truth and you should somersault to the nearest door, window even. Just get the hell out. It is not your job to convince them they are worth your time or to stroke their "insecurities" so that they become a shadow, always lurking. 

You can be as forthcoming and open about yourself as humanly possible, and someone will still trick themselves and you eventually into thinking they are all in. If you feel manipulated, 9/10 gold stars you are being manipulated. If you find yourself saying/believing something repeatedly to yourself, 9/10 elephants it's probably true. Don't talk yourself out of it. No one has the right to make you feel inferior, to make you feel as though taking your time is a mistake. Allow yourself the things you need and if they aren't on board with your well-being, let them take a nose dive off your ship and drown. Life vests not included. Don't talk yourself out of your security for a pretty promise.

Last one - 

I'm not sure where else this one fits, so here's my last zinger: Just because someone is intelligent, that does not mean they are mature. You could have a rocket scientist on your hands and they won't know diddlysquat about mature interactions. Although their IQ may be higher than yours, that does not outweigh your maturity. Once again, don't fool yourself. Other people will do that enough for you.


A message of encouragement:You are not responsible for being someone's step up. It is not your job to be the pillar someone stands on to move themselves to new heights. You are not someone's plus one. I don't claim to know it all. If I did, these posts wouldn't exist because I would be as happy as a fat clam sitting at the bottom of the sea, squished in the comfy mud. I do think it is important to document the harm you cause yourself for hope that you can overcome and renew yourself and in case it can provide an epiphany for someone else. So, here I am, growing from another low point with fresh eyes and fresh standards. I strongly encourage you not to shy away from the destruction of yourself. Let it happen, because the discovery that will come along the journey will be worth it.

Take my musings with a chuckle, an eye-roll, or a shot of tequila. I don't care. Either way, this shit is real. I hope I provided some insight, some life-changing epiphany, but let's be honest this is the easiest form of entertainment and I'm okay with being just that. Catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers.


amg