Monday, August 21, 2017

Who in the Hell Was That? Me. It Was Me.

Hiya, heathens. 
As luck would have it, I've had another major realization I'd like to document.
So, here we are (about a month after the realization and initiation of this post). Sit tight and get ready to open yourself up to another idea of yourself.

Please God, Abigail, tell us. We really want to know.

Alright, alriiiiiight. Calm your tits...or testicles?

One of the great things about my mind is that it never stops churning. I'm always evaluating, always questioning. I don't usually evaluate or question things that will help me in the current time setting (because what genius does that?), but I am very fond of reflection.
Recently, it has become ever so clear that I have been and will continue to be different forms of myself in relationships particularly.
-Bear with me. Don't "no fucking duh" me, yet.-



The sub point - finally.

Most of you have read my most recent entries that were full of the fire and fury of Hades. If you haven't, what are you doing with your life? Here and here. These posts detailed the infuriating and heartbreaking qualities of a person and the situation that recently ensued. 

I'm about to tell you a secret.

That shit was me four to five years ago. Now before you call me a hypocrite (though, I am) and get all high and mighty on me with your pitchforks, let me explain:

Although I may not have baited someone into dating me or promised them things that I did not intend to provide, I was a completely selfish asshole who was oblivious to the pain and unmet needs of someone closest to me. It was my way or the highway no matter the cost. And just like I allowed it to continue in my recent relationship, my partner from years ago allowed it to continue then. I'd also like to add that there was never a complaint from her. She was a god damn angel that let me revel in princessry and always gave me the benefit of the doubt. She was patient and hopeful that I would recognize my shortcomings in order to improve upon them. She enjoyed spoiling me and treating me like royalty. The problem presented itself when I stopped appreciating her and her constant efforts and did not offer the same in return. I bet you're shocked the relationship went straight into the ground.

Ya'll I about signed my soul over to Lucifer when I realized the correlation, because I was already a fucking demon, so why not? You know what stopped me? The grace of knowing that I didn't have to be that person, that I could be better, that someone deserved better out of me. I am not that person anymore and have not been since that relationship ended. One day, I woke up, got the little crusties out of my eyes, thawed my heart, and realized I had been a shit girlfriend and expected things that I did not offer in return. This started my steady process of morphing into who I would want my partner to be to me.

I am now happy to report that although I am no where near the perfect partner, I do resemble the sweet little angel that I did not appreciate near enough. Call it an overdue kick in the ass from Karma if you like. I do, but I am happy that I realized my piece-of-shit-ness on my own and not because of Karma. I was just a'waitin' on 'er and she sure as shit showed up.
Thank you for actually showing me what it felt like instead of trusting I knew the damage on my own, Karma. You're a real doll. I'm sure my ex appreciates your work. I would, because I'm subject to bouts of pettiness. Judge me.


Back to the point!

The Point.

We are all different forms of ourselves with different individuals. Some of us are stagnant, sure, but I do believe most of us evolve as we crash and burn through this life. You may be the worst form of yourself with someone just like they may be at different periods of their life with different partners. Maybe you're soft and affectionate with JoeBro, but you're callous and reserved with LizSis. Maybe you're also insecure and paranoid with JoeBro, yet confident and realize your self-worth with LizSis. It isn't usually all bad and if you aren't blind as a fucking bat to your own shortcomings (comme moi), there is hope.
We're all evolving, all searching for the best path. People do change. Do they change for people? Probably not a safe bet. Are you expected to wait it out until they realize it themselves and stop being an asshole? Absolutely not. Is it okay if you do? Knock yourself out. No judgment here. I just hope you're keeping your emotional/mental health in mind. No matter what, have heart that people do realize their issues and can choose to grow and become new people.
Sometimes this can be done during a relationship. That takes a lot of patience, understanding, maturity, and communication. None of which I had enough of 4-5 years ago (though I wouldn't tell you that then, of course). Some assholes like me need separation to evaluate themselves and realize they are actually part of the problem. Some people even need to witness their ex moving forward with someone else (whether that be from their best friend effectively stalking the ex and informing them, or personal stalkery..don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!) or maybe they need to find their own, better match. Either way, a catalyst is imperative. However, it is always up to you to improve yourself, for yourself.

You can "no fucking duh" me now.
kbye.

amg