Mother, May I

YO.

It's been a century, but I'm back with some personal presents for you to judge just in time for this glorious-as-fuck holiday. 

Get your knapsacks ready.
(and now,  of course, we are passed that but keep your fucking knapsacks ready anyway, damn it!)

So, this shit is about my mother and her shit. And other people's mothers and their shit.

(duh) It's probably a good thing I don't go to family gatherings, so I don't have to hear their certain contempt for what I'm about to lay out for ya'll to feast on. 

This has been a blog idea for some time, but like all of my blog posts, I generally take action only when subject to a catalyst. What in heaven's name was the catalyst for the bludgeoning that is about to happen, you may ask? a text message, true to 21st century form, inspired by the train wreck of a holiday careening our way (that has now blazed past, carnage strewn everywhere). More on that later - the text message, not the carnage.

Let's just get right down to the nitty gritty, shall we?
I'm going to just lay out some feels and go from there.

Feels #1: Society guilts and shames you into loving/honoring your mother even when she's a piece of poop pie. A common thought process is, "value her because you only get one and time isn't promised" or "she brought you into this world, so be grateful."

Feels #2: Fuck that shit. That is the biggest cop out for mothers to be Mother Dearests, if you ask me.
which you are asking me..because you're here

Feels #3: Some mothers are just plain assholes. Some mothers are emotional sewage systems with the deepest drains known to man. Some mothers are selfish. Some mothers like to live in their own little fantasy and remain ignorant to the way their issues can be detrimental to their children. Some mothers are abusive: physically, mentally, emotionally. Some mothers pride themselves on having standards for which they hold their children accountable, but not themselves. Some mothers make hurtful choices, feel sorry for themselves, and guilt you into picking them back up even though you are the one that sustained the injuries. I could go on forever, so I'm just not going to for once.

Feels #4: Mothers should be: a confidant, a role model, a safe place, a friend, a mentor. They should have the ability to refrain from judgment, to love unconditionally, to educate, but also to be willing to learn, to be patient and understanding.

The goods. 

My mother is surely going to riot in the streets if she finds this, because I'm somewhat washing our dirty laundry in public. Shout-out to traditional Southern values that I am absolutely murdering! Who am I kidding? She will probably sit with great posture, dressed to a tee at her dinner table, silently sipping from her tea glass.

The text message that spurred this post was a guilt-tripping tactic in disguise as a lamentation about my sister and I not seeing our mother for Christmas. Keep in mind, I reached out to my mother at the beginning of the month to attempt to set plans and she had no definitive answer for me. What did I do? I planned my holiday without her. Cue alligator tears and guilt-trip booby trap.

Final feels.

Mothers are not due unfaltering devotion just because they spit you out of their vagina, birthed you through their abdomen/uterus via C-section, labored with you,  grew you in their womb, etc. This also applies to adoptive mothers. Mothers make a definitive choice to allow you to survive and to bring you into the world. Along with that choice comes specific and unending responsibilities that are due to every human, regardless of age, color, creed, sexual orientation, lifestyle, religion, disability, etc. Too, too often children are made to feel indebted to their mothers. They are made to feel that no matter what, they owe their mothers time, energy, love, affection regardless of the toll that it may take on their own health. I wonder if this theme is as big in the North as it is here in the South.

No one seems to be willing to call mothers out because of this expectation and requirement created by society. I have decided that I am at peace with sacrificing myself to this cause. I realize that I will be deemed cruel, ungrateful, and disrespectful along with an endless slew of slurs. That's okay. Do you.
My intent here is not to drag my mother through the streets with tar and feathers. I love her. She's my mother. She has sacrificed for me and helped me when asked. She has taught me. That does not mean that I have to accept the way she chooses to treat me or speak to me or the way she chooses to perceive our history and relationship. She has not bought my unfaltering devotion with her choice to have me and take care of me. She does not get to throw in my face the very requisites inherent to being a mother. I do not owe her for her choice to have a daughter. I am a fellow human being and deserve the same amount of respect and love that she demands.
so do you - from your mothers
I am here to publicly tell you that it is acceptable, it is sometimes necessary to sever ties with mothers, to call them out, to hold them accountable. You deserve it. You are valuable and important just as you are and if a mother can't get behind that, you are not indebted to her. Do not shy away from taking your health, your well-being into your hands and improving it just because society has their own idea of what mother-children relationships should be.
I hope if you are struggling and bargaining with yourself about this, you will find the strength to take action for yourself. You matter too. You do not need to feel guilty for protecting yourself or asking for equal treatment. It isn't easy. It is not a lazy Sunday full of snacks and newspaper cartoons.
But, you can be unapologetically  f r e e. You will be able to take a deep breath, release it, and breathing will get easier by the day. Take care of yourself despite who that may offend. You are the only you the world has and you are worth it. (even more than L'Oreal touts)

amg

✊

**Disclaimer for those that feel themselves caught in the desperate throes of being high and mighty: This is written from a daughter's perspective. I am not a mother. I do realize that motherhood is a feat that is unbeknownst to me and is probably one of the most complicated and difficult choices in life. Mothers are due an insurmountable amount of appreciation and love. They are valuable and they do have the right to make mistakes. I am aware that there are great mothers out there. However, I am coming from a life with a mother that regardless of the repeated mistakes, the repeated efforts to make her conscious and aware of those mistakes, chooses to remain ignorant and live a life of denial and self-righteousness. There are others that share my story. Just as I realize that I am not all-knowing when it comes to motherhood, please do me the courtesy of realizing that you are not all-knowing of my upbringing and cobweb-ridden relationship with my mother. The intent of this post is not to slaughter my mother in the streets, but to raise awareness that some mothers just aren't the best mothers, that it's okay to say that publicly, and that it is okay to find a better life for yourself through other relationships that love you unconditionally.

Praying by Way of Solidarity

Praying isn't something I do very often.

Let's be real - I never do it anymore.
My kind of prayer is reflection and unity.

This post is a little more personal than my usual fire and brimstone posts.

I'm not one to relish in my weaknesses and I'm especially not a fan of broadcasting them, but if there's a single person that can relate to this post, that can find some sort of validation from it, it makes revealing myself worthwhile.

We have to learn that it isn't about us. Our pain can be empowerment for someone else, and some of us that are able should offer ourselves up to this cause.

This is my attempt to do that.

I'm going to assume everyone has heard Kesha's "Praying" and I'm going to go out even further on that limb and assume we all know what that song is related to. For the sake of clarification, it's in response to the lawsuit against her former producer that sexually assaulted her - at least, that's the assumption in regards to the meaning of the song. This song was the first song she released since the lawsuit began in 2014 and it seems to be targeting me lately, which is the reason for this seemingly random post. If you haven't heard it:

The emotion in this song is so obvious it's almost tangible and most often, I think, the emotions this song spurs in others may be sadness or sympathy, maybe even inspiration or empowerment. This is where my post takes its turn:

This song makes me angry. Don't get me wrong - I love this song. It hurts every time I hear it and I still want to replay it. Let me explain my crazy to you. 

"Praying" exemplifies Kesha's ability to move beyond, to empathize with her assailant. It shows her generosity and her forgiveness even as she details her pain. This is fantastic. You fucking go, girl. 

I am not Kesha.

It has been years, more than triple the amount of years that Kesha has had since her attack(s), and I do not feel forgiveness. I do not feel empathy. I do not feel anything besides anger and hatred.

And you know what? I think that is perfectly okay. I go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing if I were given the opportunity, I could end an individual's life and feel zero remorse. For someone who is against the death penalty, regardless of the crime, and doesn't support war, that's monumental to come to terms with. Maybe I'd wimp out. Maybe I'd lose my fury in the moment, but I have felt this way for over a decade, so maybe not.

I am in awe of the words in this song. While some of them completely resonate with me, she loses me at the softness - hoping her perpetrator finds peace, praying for him. WHAT? HOW? 

It. Does. Not. Compute.

I have moved past my shit in the most thorough way that I know how, without therapy. Plenty of people volunteer the idea that therapy makes everything better, and maybe, with immediate contribution and in a timely fashion it can. In my experience, that was not an option. I grappled and struggled with it silently and eventually, ever so slowly, I pushed myself past it - sometimes to the detriment of my relationships with others. And I am not interested in opening that can of worms years after the fact for the sake of saying therapy helped me forget all about it. For my survival and desire to thrive, not just exist, this is not possible. For the sake of a sliver of relief from the dark nature of this post, here are a few pieces of progress I am proud of:

+ On most occasions, I can sleep with my bedroom door open and the light off.

+ I can be active in my house and leave the front door unlocked for a short period of time to test myself.

+ I do not have to immediately leave a location, because a particular type of person has entered the vicinity and gives me a bad feeling.
+ I do not constantly fear running into a particular individual while just living everyday life.
+ I can sleep.
+ I can function day-to-day in the most seemingly normal way possible.

These are triumphs compared to who I was some years ago. It's hard to believe how difficult sleeping, or showering in a house, or having your back to a door or just separated from a wall can be when you have not experienced something that makes everything seem unsafe. It is a constant battle, and the battle is fucking exhausting. 

To live through that and feel the way Kesha's song describes, is unfathomable to me. To look back and remember who you were before and then to analyze the change in you, the downward spiral, and the unexpected stall and plateau that comes instead of complete reformation, is jolting. And to know how hard you had to fight to even reach that plateau is even more sobering. It's almost laughable to be proud of where you are, knowing who you were. But you are here. You are still here.

This is what keeps the anger fresh, brewing, ready to boil over when faced with a song like "Praying". To know that my whole life has been altered - the things I choose to do or not do, the places I feel comfortable going and not going, the way I perceive things, the way certain things/people make me feel - because of the unwarranted actions of someone else, is infuriating.

I'm happy with where I've gotten myself with this issue. It will never stop being a struggle, a haunting experience that makes my hair stand on end, something that's fresh on my mind when countless things happen including when I hear "Praying" blare through the speakers, even though others are able to say it's just another song. I don't think it's possible for that part of my life to be anything else beyond something I struggle with, especially not something I reflect on with forgiveness in mind.

I'm here to say that if you are where I am - if you're damn angry and intent on staying that way, if you haven't moved past it, if you have, but you still suffer, if you're where I am and want to progress even further - I see you. You are valid. You can survive first, and you can fucking thrive. Whatever you choose to do, however you choose to channel the bullshit you deal/dealt with, it is okay. And if that coping tool is harmful, I hope that you can move past that too, for yourself, but it does not make you any less whole, any less worthy. You are a warrior and I stand with you.

amg

✊

[To all you motherfuckers thinking I need Jesus to find my way out of the darkness or some shit, keep walking and don't spout your bullshit at me. I say that with all the love and sincerity in my heart.]

Who in the Hell Was That? Me. It Was Me.

Hiya, heathens. 

As luck would have it, I've had another major realization I'd like to document.

So, here we are (about a month after the realization and initiation of this post). Sit tight and get ready to open yourself up to another idea of yourself.

Please God, Abigail, tell us. We really want to know.

Alright, alriiiiiight. Calm your tits...or testicles?

One of the great things about my mind is that it never stops churning. I'm always evaluating, always questioning. I don't usually evaluate or question things that will help me in the current time setting (because what genius does that?), but I am very fond of reflection.

Recently, it has become ever so clear that I have been and will continue to be different forms of myself in relationships particularly.
-Bear with me. Don't "no fucking duh" me, yet.-

The sub point - finally.

Most of you have read my most recent entries that were full of the fire and fury of Hades. If you haven't, what are you doing with your life? Here and here. These posts detailed the infuriating and heartbreaking qualities of a person and the situation that recently ensued. 

I'm about to tell you a secret.

That shit was me four to five years ago. Now before you call me a hypocrite (though, I am) and get all high and mighty on me with your pitchforks, let me explain:
Although I may not have baited someone into dating me or promised them things that I did not intend to provide, I was a completely selfish asshole who was oblivious to the pain and unmet needs of someone closest to me. It was my way or the highway no matter the cost. And just like I allowed it to continue in my recent relationship, my partner from years ago allowed it to continue then. I'd also like to add that there was never a complaint from her. She was a god damn angel that let me revel in princessry and always gave me the benefit of the doubt. She was patient and hopeful that I would recognize my shortcomings in order to improve upon them. She enjoyed spoiling me and treating me like royalty. The problem presented itself when I stopped appreciating her and her constant efforts and did not offer the same in return. I bet you're shocked the relationship went straight into the ground.

Ya'll I about signed my soul over to Lucifer when I realized the correlation, because I was already a fucking demon, so why not? You know what stopped me? The grace of knowing that I didn't have to be that person, that I could be better, that someone deserved better out of me. I am not that person anymore and have not been since that relationship ended. One day, I woke up, got the little crusties out of my eyes, thawed my heart, and realized I had been a shit girlfriend and expected things that I did not offer in return. This started my steady process of morphing into who I would want my partner to be to me.

I am now happy to report that although I am no where near the perfect partner, I do resemble the sweet little angel that I did not appreciate near enough. Call it an overdue kick in the ass from Karma if you like. I do, but I am happy that I realized my piece-of-shit-ness on my own and not because of Karma. I was just a'waitin' on 'er and she sure as shit showed up.
Thank you for actually showing me what it felt like instead of trusting I knew the damage on my own, Karma. You're a real doll. I'm sure my ex appreciates your work. I would, because I'm subject to bouts of pettiness. Judge me.

Back to the point!

The Point.

We are all different forms of ourselves with different individuals. Some of us are stagnant, sure, but I do believe most of us evolve as we crash and burn through this life. You may be the worst form of yourself with someone just like they may be at different periods of their life with different partners. Maybe you're soft and affectionate with JoeBro, but you're callous and reserved with LizSis. Maybe you're also insecure and paranoid with JoeBro, yet confident and realize your self-worth with LizSis. It isn't usually all bad and if you aren't blind as a fucking bat to your own shortcomings (comme moi), there is hope.
We're all evolving, all searching for the best path. People do change. Do they change for people? Probably not a safe bet. Are you expected to wait it out until they realize it themselves and stop being an asshole? Absolutely not. Is it okay if you do? Knock yourself out. No judgment here. I just hope you're keeping your emotional/mental health in mind. No matter what, have heart that people do realize their issues and can choose to grow and become new people.
Sometimes this can be done during a relationship. That takes a lot of patience, understanding, maturity, and communication. None of which I had enough of 4-5 years ago (though I wouldn't tell you that then, of course). Some assholes like me need separation to evaluate themselves and realize they are actually part of the problem. Some people even need to witness their ex moving forward with someone else (whether that be from their best friend effectively stalking the ex and informing them, or personal stalkery..don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!) or maybe they need to find their own, better match. Either way, a catalyst is imperative. However, it is always up to you to improve yourself, for yourself.

You can "no fucking duh" me now.

kbye.

amg

✊

Beware the Chasers

And I don't mean the ones you threw back with your vodka at frat parties.

Whom do I speak of, you ask? Well, I'll fuckin' tell ya!

Sit back, relax with your Old Fashioned in your chummy little cardigan, and feast your eyes on this righteousness to follow.

The Chaser: 

This adorable spirit is someone almost everyone is drawn to. Why? They're also a charmer, a flirt. They enjoy the reactions and attention they get from puffing up other people. Let's pause, because I feel like someone may have missed it. They do this for themselves, not to bring others happiness. That's very important to remember, because it's ridiculously easy to forget when you're the center of their attention.They are often most comfortable being the life of the party and have no lack of friends. Generally, their friends get the best of their personality. This completely works in their favor, because their friends love them through and through and they'll tell ya aaaaall about it. Remember, their friends have probably never dated them.More often than not, they are physically attractive and are very aware of this, though they may act as if they are not. They're lying. Actually, they're just liars.
It's all fun and games when both parties involved are aware that their interactions are just fun nothings. They become The Chaser when the opposite party realizes what type of person they are and is not immediately receptive of their common wooing. This excites and may even frustrate them. The chase has then begun.

*It is also important to note that there are varying degrees of Chasers. Some are mellow and seemingly innocent about their schemes while others are very intense and borderline abusive. Both suck in my book.

The Chase:

This part can become unbelievably fun and fulfilling in the beginning for both The Chaser and The Chasee, a kind of flirtatious and lustful tango, full of laughs and curiosity. It really can be a dreamy dimension suspended in time.
Here's the dry, no bullshit version: Basically, it all boils down to The Chaser analyzing and understanding how The Chasee functions: their strengths, weaknesses, good qualities, faulty qualities. They use this information to break through the boundaries that The Chasee has for people like The Chaser and to manipulate the qualities The Chasee has in order to win them over. This can be anything from preferred physical touch, to life goals, or something as simple as remembering characteristic details that not many people take the time to recognize (a particular facial expression you make at a particular time, the way you do something in particular differently than everyone else).
At some point, usually once The Chasee's gaurd has been lifted and they have become invested in a relationship The Chaser has showcased, The Chaser will reverse the rolls. They will then withhold the dreamy dimension they created, a veil will be lifted, and yet The Chasee will find themselves frantically grasping for what was there all while scratching their head and trying to maintain balance after the whiplash.
It is unbelievably easy to go from knowing better and keeping your distance, to knowing better and giving in, to knowing better but convincing yourself you don't know better and that it's okay. If The Chasee is in any way receptive to the charms of The Chaser, it's pretty much game over. Remember that Navy Seal sniper I mentioned in my last post? That's The Chaser and they will obliterate The Chasee. That's not to say The Chasee can't realize what is going on and pull the plug, but it is much more difficult to see a situation when you are suffocating in the middle of it.
Most often, when The Chaser has The Chasee hook, line, and sinker, there's no jumping back into the river (not without wounds, I might add) until The Chaser decides to let them loose and seek out a new catch.

The Bait:

I have come to realize that the most inspiring thing you can be for The Chaser, is a strong, stubborn, yet compassionate, and sassy as fuck person. I swear to all that is holier than a baby cherub those qualities alone will light a fire so damn hot under their ass, they'll shoot off like a rocket and come back like a heat-seeking missile. Nothing is more intoxicating to them than someone who immediately refuses to bat their eyelashes, giggle at them, and hang on to every word they say. It completely warps their perception of life and they cannot understand it.
So, what's a strong, stubborn, (annoyingly compassionate), sassy as fuck god/dess to do? STAY WOKE. You know better. I know they are probably sexier than a threesome involving Ryan Gosling, Michelle Rodriguez, and Angelina Jolie, but once you realize who they really are, that attraction crumbles like an over-baked chocolate chip cookie. It's just as depressing too. (By the way, if you don't think that threesome is enticing, feel free to swap in people of your own choosing, or just pick one. Have a field day!)
Okay. Well great, Abigail. What the fuck do I do when I get played and catch feelings? I'm glad you asked, you amazing collection of atoms, you.

The Wake-Up Call:

If you've succumbed to the Siren song, don't fret. I would just love to meet someone who hasn't fallen for it at least once. They don't exist, unless they are the Siren. Fuck them. (I've really enjoyed saying that lately.) Onward!
What's important to remember is, you are no less intelligent, no less beautiful, no less unique because you have fallen for someone's facade. More often than not, The Chaser is very skilled in their talent and they have a thorough understanding of how to groom people. They are also ridiculously persistent and dangerously charming.
If anything, I'd say bravo for being able to trust someone regardless of their features. Bravo for allowing yourself gentleness and compassion and eventually, bravo for waking up, recognizing the poison, and stepping away with a lesson to refer back to.
Sleep well knowing that some day The Chaser will meet their match, and it may actually have been you. They will realize their mistake and they will feel like shit. Don't hold out hope (or air freshener) thinking this will change them, however.
One thing that I say repeatedly and I will never stop saying is trust yourself. Now that you have seen the attributes of this caliber of human, you are so much more well-equipped to prevent being duped in the future. If that alarm goes off, listen to it. Not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I understand not wanting to be regretful, not wanting to jump to conclusions, but don't hesitate to call it like you see it. I'd much rather walk away from harm I've already experienced than keep experiencing it just because I can't trust myself. If you would rather risk it, go on witchyo bad, daredevil self. Just don't tell me I didn't tell ya. Cus I fuckin' did. And you know what? If you're duped again, IT'S OKAY. Forgive yourself, move on, and believe yourself next time.

*Disclaimer: I obviously do not have all of the answers, but I enjoy calling things as I see them and highlighting those pills I have had trouble swallowing. I hope there are some scraps here you can take with you.

Until the next human pisses me off enough to write another blog post - stay classy and sassy, ya'll.

amg

✊

Self-Destruction to Self-Discovery

Welcome back to my sad, little life, you fellow heathens!

This is a warning that shit's about to get pretty depressing and personal.

Stick around and eat it up, though. It'll be fun.
Literally free entertainment at my expense. Why would you say no?

There will (probably) be the following (because let's be honest, my emotions are a shit show):

(in no specific order, because I literally have no organization skills ever)

+ self-deprecation

+ bitterness

+ sadness

+ elation

+ comical relief (maybe)

So, let's hit the party gong and get this shit started.
Sidebar - I have just added going to a party with a party gong to my bucket list. My life is getting better by the second.

Today, I have a very odd feeling of inspiration. The reason it's odd, is because it is from the deepest, darkest place I have been to in a while and two days ago I wanted to drive head first into oncoming traffic. Win some, lose some. There's nothing quite like fucking up your life in order to force yourself to stop making excuses and make changes. It's refreshing to own that no one else is responsible for the journey your life takes, but you. I am where I am, because I have chosen (either consciously or not) to be here. Although someone's actions are not under my control, I have either ignored or accepted certain things to bring me where I am today. That is a big lesson - a lesson I seem intent on teaching and reteaching myself. 26 years into the grave and I still have difficulty seeing my connections to the downfall of my expectations for my life. Ready for another lesson?

Expectations are not the devil.

That one has taken some getting used to. It is a well-known fact that my expectations are out.of.this.god-forsaken.world! What is not a well-known fact is that I am not apologetic for it. Sometimes I let people weaken me, which makes me question myself and my expectations. - Ew why, you ask? I don't fucking know. I'm not a therapist. - However, at the end of the day, I feel that my expectations are justified and that someone is capable of meeting them.
Expectations are not the root of all evil and though they may be high, you have the right to have the expectations you have. It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, you can expect the world, but I'd encourage you to aspire to give what you want in return.

You also have the right to realize that there are going to be several people that will disappoint those expectations, all in varying degrees. This does not make the other person a bad person. It does not mean they are less-than. It simply means, they're not your people. I have the habit of being unsatisfied if most of my expectations are not met to almost their complete extent. That is my burden to bear. I have learned that compromise is key and within the past year, I have made even more of an effort than before to stop and evaluate situations for a compromise. This brings me to my next personal lesson.

Compromise does not mean making excuses for people who are not willing or able to meet your needs.

Although compromising is important, mature, and healthy, it lends itself to allowing someone the ability to waiver too much on their needs. Once you weaken your position, the floodgates of hell and insecurity open and wreak fucking havoc. Some people will zero in on this fact like a Navy Seal sniper and abuse or manipulate it. Others are nicer people and that is not their intent. I have had experience with both. (Which most recently? I'll letcha take a wild fucking guess from the spirit of this post.) I find it is important to be able to recognize the kind of person you are dealing with as early as possible and trust yourself, trust your gut. There are those that can manipulate any person and any situation. Fuck them. Those are bad people. They are not your people, unless you are one of them. In which case, fuck you. 

There are people that will convince you they can meet your expectations. They might even be able to for a while. Sometimes all you get is a little sliver of time when they're true to their word and you have to know when to call it. It's sticky and messy, but it will save you so much time and pain in the end. You'll thank yourself. There is a difference between someone who is trying to meet your expectations and someone who is just trying to placate you. Strive to recognize the difference and don't apologize for taking action. Some people will do you a favor and sever ties with you on their own, but trust, that will be on their time and without any consideration of how their actions currently and will affect you. Fuck those people too.

Moving on to excuses! 

It is unbelievably easy to make excuses for people, especially those you care deeply about. They're stressed. They had a bad day. They're just distracted. They'll do better when they've had some space/sleep/food (because let's be real, hangry is a legitimate personality trait). They just forgot because...? They're mom died. Okay, maybe not something that intense, but you catch my drift. Some of these things are valid and pretty much all of this is dependent on the situation (yeah, good luck figuring that shit out), but I would say a good chunk of the time excuses are made when choices should be made. (I'll explain that in a sec, because I'm pretty proud of that gem.) Excuses should not be habitual and they definitely shouldn't be made by you on someone else's behalf. Would you let a stranger, a coworker, family member, anyone else make excuse after excuse without batting an eyelash and questioning it? I hope not.

Excuses should become choices. What I mean is, after a certain extent, there comes a time when instead of making an excuse for someone you make a choice for yourself. You determine the guidelines. If this means discussing a solution and asking them to participate in reaching that solution, good. If this means choosing to change the way you perceive or handle a situation, cool, but err on the side of caution. That can be a slippery slope. If this instead means making the choice to separate from said person, DO.IT. Do not, I repeat, do not talk yourself out of it. Your gut knows you better than your mind does. I didn't mention your heart, because we all know that fucker doesn't know shit. It's pretty, but it's as dumb as a doorknob. Choose yourself, your happiness, your security. No one will fight as hard for you as you can.

Trust your instincts.

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That was a very recent and difficult lesson to put under my belt. You are not an exception was another one. People will show you who they are and that very well may be drastically different than who they tell you they are. Be mindful of it and trust yourself. If someone treats someone in a negative manner, you are not an exception. You will be treated the same. If someone tells you they aren't up to snuff, it isn't endearing and humble. It's the fucking truth and you should somersault to the nearest door, window even. Just get the hell out. It is not your job to convince them they are worth your time or to stroke their "insecurities" so that they become a shadow, always lurking. 

You can be as forthcoming and open about yourself as humanly possible, and someone will still trick themselves and you eventually into thinking they are all in. If you feel manipulated, 9/10 gold stars you are being manipulated. If you find yourself saying/believing something repeatedly to yourself, 9/10 elephants it's probably true. Don't talk yourself out of it. No one has the right to make you feel inferior, to make you feel as though taking your time is a mistake. Allow yourself the things you need and if they aren't on board with your well-being, let them take a nose dive off your ship and drown. Life vests not included. Don't talk yourself out of your security for a pretty promise.

Last one - 

I'm not sure where else this one fits, so here's my last zinger: Just because someone is intelligent, that does not mean they are mature. You could have a rocket scientist on your hands and they won't know diddlysquat about mature interactions. Although their IQ may be higher than yours, that does not outweigh your maturity. Once again, don't fool yourself. Other people will do that enough for you.

A message of encouragement:You are not responsible for being someone's step up. It is not your job to be the pillar someone stands on to move themselves to new heights. You are not someone's plus one. I don't claim to know it all. If I did, these posts wouldn't exist because I would be as happy as a fat clam sitting at the bottom of the sea, squished in the comfy mud. I do think it is important to document the harm you cause yourself for hope that you can overcome and renew yourself and in case it can provide an epiphany for someone else. So, here I am, growing from another low point with fresh eyes and fresh standards. I strongly encourage you not to shy away from the destruction of yourself. Let it happen, because the discovery that will come along the journey will be worth it.

Take my musings with a chuckle, an eye-roll, or a shot of tequila. I don't care. Either way, this shit is real. I hope I provided some insight, some life-changing epiphany, but let's be honest this is the easiest form of entertainment and I'm okay with being just that. Catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers.

amg

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New Year, Same Old Sassy Shit

Well ya'll, I was on a fuckin' ROLL with this new year, good mood bullshit three days in to the new year.

I'm talkin' a level of happy optimism reminiscent of Cloud 9 and it's been a good few months since I've partook (partaken? whatever.) of the good ol' ganja. I seriously had to take a moment to determine whether I was on a sugar high from the Triple Chocolate Torte cupcake I had just inhaled/smeared all over my face (shout out to Gigi's!) or if I'd forgotten I'd snorted something earlier this morning, OR if neither of those had anything to do with it and I was turning over a new boulder...because the weight of my perception of the world is much heavier than a damn leaf. 

Onward!
True to form, life happens and I'm reminded of my realistic, borderline pessimistic perception of all things life. What bullshit! 

(Fiiiiine, just sometimes - stamps foot)

I was going to do the whole cliche New Year-outlook-on-life post with all the fluffies and snuggles and warm fuzzies. I've decided I'm still going to reflect on my projected journey for the new year, but it will be much more true to Abigail grumbly form and a lot less sugar (questionable drug) high form from the other day. I am happy to report that I have survived a few more days past the birth of this entry (which is now two weeks ago because I apparently can't handle life enough to finish a damn blog post). Up yours, Trump. Just had to throw that in there considering he advocates for everything that threatens my existence.

So what does 25-year-old -now 26, yippee!- Abigail want (beyond world peace, obvs (that originally said "peach", because I was craving peaches??)) from the year that is bringing her the worst possible candidate for president and her 26th birthday within a matter of days of each other, you might ask? Well, I'm about to fuckin' tell you. Calm your tits. Or don't. It's your life and your chest pain.

Super-Selfish, Privileged, Wish List:

+More tattoos on this damn, too plain body o' mine. I've had a list as long as my damn torso since I was 15 and I have a total of two tattoos. Unacceptable behavior. I'll probably throw in a nip piercing or two for good measure. UPDATE: NEW TAT HAS BEEN OBTAINED. YAS. More later.

+Self-love and unapologetic me time. I have the unabashed habit of mercilessly attacking myself (even though I'm obviously flawless, let's be real) all while exhausting my time, energy, spirit on the happiness of others. This is not being said as a claim that I mirror Mother Theresa. I'm a dick. BUT, I do have an unstoppable force within me that sacrifices my personal happiness and goals to make life easier or more enjoyable for other people. This has been as insignificant as postponing a much-needed hair appointment, because someone wants to hang out and as extreme as not striving for greatness in areas of my life so that I could spend time with someone else. Not really that big of a deal, right? In moderation maybe not, but I have somehow conditioned myself to live my life this way, everyday. Someone else is always more important than me: their desires, needs, dreams, thoughts, etc. I'm going to save you from my inexperienced psychological evaluation, because we'd be here for the rest of our lives, but I am sure it has something to do with growing up in a forced role as a girl in an old-fashioned southern, religious state and household and although I fought tooth and nail to rebel from these ideals, some things creep in and steep unnoticed until the stain is too dark to ignore anymore. I would like to add a more selfish stain this year, without completely masking the other.

That got heavy quick, didn't it?

+ I'd like to retain the friendships that found me and deemed me worthy in 2016. I've never been too skilled with maintaining friendships. Maybe I just come off as a cunt? No seriously, I've been told that before. Thanks, by the way. Dick. For real though, I can be cool sometimes and a few people noticed that this year and decided they'd actually like to spend more than five minutes with me. What is life?? I would like to provide the following disclaimer before I continue, however: In spending time with Abigail, you run the risk of experiencing significantly less coolness and significantly more awkwardness in real life. Abigail is much funnier via internet. User discretion advised. Moving on! I would like to see some of these new friendships bloom into real relationships instead of my usual acquaintance connections. This will take a lot of work on my part, taking on the responsibility of watering these little plants and nurturing them into growth. Ya'll don't mind being called plants, do you? Is this creepy? Nah, I think we're good. Since writing this, I have lost one of those valued relationships which leads me to the next topic.

+ I need to learn to allow others to leave and to effectively let them go. Not everyone has the same capabilities or expectations of themselves as I do. -gasp- Some individuals do not realize their strengths or weaknesses and this can effect the relationships they choose to maintain or choose not maintain with others. I recently lost a friendship I had with someone for the third or fourth time over the last several months and each time it has come as a surprise (how the fuck it's still surprising, I don't fucking know). Regardless, it has been and I have the whiplash bruises to prove it! Chances, chances, chances - I give them in handfuls. I literally figuratively (yes, I know what I just said) hurl chances at people. I just straight up chuck them at their faces. The more chances I waste, the more bitter I want to become. I say all this to say: Abigail needs to chill the fuck out. I can be sad, but ultimately let those who do not want to be here, to not be here. I cannot have a death grip on people that do not, by choice or by not knowing how to, value the same things I do. It will hurt. I generally will still want that connection, but I have no control and the individual is allowed to separate themselves from me for any reason: self-preservation, my obsessive hair-twirling, my constant need to provide my lovely opinion 24/7. All these things warrant separation and I need to be okay with that. Life goals.

Currently - Now that it has been pretty much a month since the initiation of this post (GOD, I'M GOOD), I can evaluate how I have progressed thus far. I am happy to report that I have gotten a new addition to my epidermis (geeeeeek. Can't you tell how smart I am, because I didn't say "skin"??) and it has made me 10x happier than I ever imagined. Maybe I'll write a blog post about that detailing the feels in like four years. Lord help.

I am still struggling with the self-love, but I'm iiiinching in the "me time" bracket!

I is important, dagnamit! 

I am still sad, because I value my true connections with people and I am not sure that will ever change, but I no longer stress myself over the particular situation. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.

I think I'll let you rest the balls in your eye sockets now. Thanks for following along with my incessant gabbing. Hopefully I set aside the me time I should to write another post soon. 
Check you kids latatas.

amg

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