Love Letter to my Future Person

Hey, ya'll.

It's about to get real motherfucking sappy.

Continue at your own gag reflex risk.

The letter below was written with a specific someone in mind. I did not share it with her or here though I wrote it here, because I genuinely thought I would read it to her on our wedding day or our engagement day. I have never genuinely planned a wedding day with a particular person in mind. I have never planned to propose to someone, ever. I did actively plan these things for this woman. These were brand new feelings for me. The letter was written over a year ago. The aforementioned relationship (if you can call it that) has now come to an end for good. 10+ years of history is now genuinely just that.
Why do I consistently wash my dirty laundry in public, especially when it is so personal and embarrassing? I repeatedly ask myself this. Every time I respond with the thought that maybe it will help someone else. I'm also trying this thing where I allow myself to be soft and allow myself the luxury of weakness. I do not often allow myself that privilege. At the very least, it provides entertainment for the the drama gluttons, so here it is.

The words I prepared encapsulate me at my softest, my most raw. This is nearly impossible for people to evoke, but this woman had the key. She always did. I'm sharing it now, because even though I hope to feel this with someone else, I could never give them something that I wrote with someone else in mind.

This letter is a fraction of what I brought to the relationship. This is what I thought she was capable of bringing to the relationship. I thought we were on the same level. I was sorely mistaken about her maturity, capabilities, and commitment. I won't go into the break-up, because we're way passed that at this point.

What I will go into is how important it is not to become hardened, how important it is not to become discouraged, how important it is to recognize your worth and that someone else's shortcomings are not a reflection of your worth or character, but theirs alone, and how important it is to recognize the role you play in your disappointment. I'll probably think of a few more things when I get there, so bonus!

I quite obviously have a knack for being duped. Go me. I have a tendency to want something so much that I allow myself to be duped. This was the Big Kahuna of them all. She. got. me. GOOD, ya'll. However, one of my favorite things about myself is I do draw a line in the sand. Though it may seem almost non-existent, when it is reached, there is absolutely no going back. You are moved to Abigail Wasteland and you wither away without any sympathy, regret, or sustenance from me.

This is a learning experience. This is a wake-up call. Yes, again, but no one asked you.

One of the most honest things I will ever say, and the most gooey (ew) is that I genuinely want a life partner. I have wanted a life partner since I can remember being able to think. I have never needed one, but the desire has been severe. Despite all the bullshit, I don't think that desire will ever disappear. I have too much love to give. And yes, I believe my person is out there waiting for me to stop being such a fucking dumbass and start dating people that are on my level and worthy of me. I'll figure it out eventually, love. I'm sorry I'm keeping you waiting.

Pep Talk:

• It is so important not to let unsuccessful relationships harden you. I have a habit of keeping a wall up at all times. This is the starting point for everyone I encounter. Some people call it daddy issues. Some people call it mommy issues. Some people call it trauma. Whatever. Back to the point. Some people are more successful than others at breaking the wall down. So far, no one has been worth the sacrifice. However, I remain as soft and gooey and giving as ever beneath my steel exterior. I refuse to let others' shittiness change my character. That would be the biggest loss of all, to lose oneself. Despite if someone else realizes it or not, your worth is insurmountable. Someone will make you realize that without making you feel as if you need their approval, but you should also strive to recognize this yourself. Being soft and gooey is not a weakness. Being cruel and bitter is. 
• Trash is endless. Sometimes when we're so broken and discouraged, even trash looks like treasure. A person without a home or hot meal may be found rifling through trash for half-eaten food that to them may be a feast. It is okay to be starved and wanting and to then search for fulfillment in that state. You are valuable even at your lowest. I encourage you to strive to grow beyond that, however. Rock bottom is not to be snubbed, but it is something to reach away from. There will be a point in time that you recognize your equal and all the dirty work will be worth it. Keep going.
• The journey to realizing your self-worth is sometimes regression and progression. Your journey is your own and is not comparable to others'. It is important to remember that the actions of others are without a doubt representative of their caliber, not yours. Do not ever, ever allow someone to gaslight you and make you believe that you have brought their bullshit onto yourself. This is a disgusting tactic used to abuse and help them remain ignorant to their shortcomings and cruelty. Just because you choose to trust them and see the best in them does not mean it is your fault that they have taken advantage. There is nothing wrong in being vulnerable and giving it your best shot whenever you deem someone worthy despite lackluster circumstances.
• There are those that will use their insecurities as a scapegoat, to control you, and as evidence that you are untrustworthy. These people have no business being in relationships.(If you are this person, I strongly urge you to do some self-seeking and seek out therapy.) You do not automatically owe these people an explanation, but you may choose to do so to help the relationship. Good on you, but be sure they're doing the leg work to better themselves simultaneously. Do not overwork yourself for someone who will not work for themselves. Relationships with those that suffer from anxiety, depression, paranoia, whatever, should not be one-sided. They don't have the right to use these things as a get out of jail free and put you in jail card.
• Along the same lines, you cannot force the negative memories out of someone. It doesn't matter how many new, great memories you create. If they are intent on holding the past in their present and refuse to allow you to illustrate you've grown, that's on them. You can either hunker down for the never-ending battle you will be fighting or you can understand that you don't deserve to constantly pay for wrongdoings you have already owned up to and moved passed personally. If you have recognized the shit in yourself, genuinely apologized for it, and put that apology into action so that you no longer are shit, you do NOT have to keep accepting consequences due to someone else not being able to let go. It then becomes their responsibility to reconcile that issue and you don't have to stick around for it. You do not owe them. That is manipulation and it is not healthy for the relationship nor either party involved.
• If you find yourself in the same situation repeatedly, like myself, there is some self-evaluation that needs to take place. There is a disconnect somewhere that is preventing you from upgrading. Don't shy away from this process. It can be life-changing if you allow it to be. If you fuck up, start over in a different way. Try a new perspective. Maybe ask for help or just merely insight if you feel comfortable doing so. Try taking a break altogether. Be even more choosy next time. Don't shy away from having standards and being inflexible. Consider not giving the benefit of the doubt automatically. Some people are just shit and you don't need to excuse their actions, but excuse them from the table instead.
• Stop reaching for the past in someone that is in your present. The person you have coveted and glamorized may not be there anymore. I am a fucking expert in this area by this point. If you guys haven't noticed, I'm a fan of second chances. Believe you me, people change, and not always for the best. Do not allow yourself to talk yourself out of the realization that someone now ain't shit. They may have been your angel in the past, but it is absolutely possible that they are scum now. Believe your gut (even if it doesn't start screaming until a few months in), not what you tell yourself.
• You cannot control how someone decides to commit a story to memory. Often damaged people will grasp for anything they can to make you the bad person so that they don't have to recognize their demons and they will spread this message like wildfire as a way of deflection. All you can do is trust that those who know you will know better and go on about your business. Karma, karma, karma.
• Trust yourself. I have said this again and again and again. I still have difficulty with it. Allow yourself the peace of mind to walk away. I don't care how much time, blood, sweat, and tears you have contributed. If you have come to a point where you are even questioning taking your leave, more times than not that deliberation alone is your sign to leave. The person that is for you will not consistently put you in a position to question the relationship.

As I said before, this was the biggest dupe of them all. (mostly because no one in my life knows me better than this woman and she was able to use that to her advantage and because I was so invested from the beginning I didn't recognize that she wasn't) I have noticed me being duped as an escalating occurrence. It did, indeed, escalate quickly. Like all things, I am taking it in stride with no lack of scars. If any of you ever wonder if someone like me - someone who seems like a fucking statue, who seems to take no shit, as I've been told - has a breaking point, this is mine. The answer is yes. This woman gets that award. But she does not get me as the grand prize and I still rest assured that this will be the mistake of her life. She knows that, whether she chooses to acknowledge it or not. Call it ego if you want, but it is the awareness of what I am capable of bringing to the table when someone is deserving and they allow me to do so. It is knowing who I am is sought-after and worthy. 

What have I learned? I'm done with second-chances. I need to sharpen my judgement of character. I have a soft spot for those that need emotional support, which often leads to my harm. I just need to stop. Applications are open for sugar daddies/mamas, because I'm tired of giving without any return. KIDDING. Sort of. Someone wanna pay my tuition?

For clarity's sake, your ultimate goal in life is not to find someone to love or to love you and I hope I don't unknowingly advertise that agenda. (If that is your ultimate life goal, no qualms here.) You alone are enough and you do not need to cut and bend yourself to fit into someone else's mold.  This post is coming from someone who knows she's an entire package on her own and does not need the reassurance from someone else on that fact. I am the appetizer, the salad, the entree, the dessert, and the wine. However, the same person still looks forward to finding a counterpart and enjoying life with them. The same damn person mistakenly assessed someone as her equal after they assured her they were on the same page. There is no shame in any of these things or the process between.

Onward and upward. Life is progressing and so am I. Ya'll coming with me?

amg

✊

____________________________________________________________________________

Hello, beautiful you.

I cannot wait to meet you. If I've already met you, I cannot wait to meet you in a new light. I cannot wait to see you shine and to appreciate how special you are. I know you will be breathtaking: your mind, your spirit, all that makes you, you. I am so excited to spend the rest of our lives making you feel as if you are the only person in the world. To me, you will be.

I know you will be kind and patient and have just the right amount of sass to match mine. I will dedicate myself to learning your rough edges and smoothing mine out to meet yours. I know you'll do the same. I am looking forward to finally feeling free enough to submit to someone, because I know you will do the same in return.

If your journey to me has been anywhere near as rocky as mine, I will be at the ready with open arms, a loving heart, and listening ears. I cannot wait to share our stories and to bind them together as one.  I will be ready to slip into each other like familiar, cozy socks, an embrace that feels like home and my final resting place.

I will warm your heart each morning and you will speak to mine. I will peruse your mind with tenderness and interest and mine will be an open book for you to pick through. I know we won't always agree, but I look forward to riding the rush of each wave with you and finding ourselves safe back at shore just in time to catch the sunset before bed.

I cannot wait to beam in the rivers of your laughter and to pass the time with hearts of children despite each new wrinkle that emerges. Your happiness will feed my soul and I will bloom everyday for you. I will burrow my roots deep in the soil of our union and I will be your refuge during the storms of our lifetime. You will not be alone.

I will come to you with a steady heart, born anew, with no trace that any lover had been there before. I will offer you my hands, a foundation of trust that you can always hold onto. You will be the greatest adventure of my life and I will dedicate myself to exploring every terrain, every season.
My desire for you will never wane. It will burn with passion and enthusiasm. It will playfully flicker and dance to the rhythm that your body hums.

I can't wait to hate all of your annoying habits and love you through them, not despite them. I know you will share this mindset. We'll build our own fortress of inside jokes, side glances, and smirks. You will be able to speak to me on a level beyond others' comprehension as we study the languages that speak to each of us best.

I will learn the lines of your face, the tension in your muscles, to better set them at ease. I will bravely take the lead when you do not have the strength and I will trust you to do the same when I cannot manage. We will be at the mercy of the other, knowing that neither one of us will take advantage of that.

I cannot wait to share in the joys of your life, to applaud you at your triumphs and your failures, to offer wisdom at your low points and accept the same at mine. I am so excited to make your goals my goals and to share mine with you too. I look forward to wrapping you up and holding you tight and letting you wander when you seek solitude and reflection. I know you'll be patient and understanding when I need to do the same.

I hope you know how excitedly I anticipate your arrival. Even still, take the time you need getting to me. I will be here regardless with a smile on my face, a laugh on my tongue, and the home in my heart that you have been seeking. Despite what this letter might infer, I know our journey together won't always be easy, but loving you will be the easiest choice I ever make.

Until then, then.
Yours.