Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Mother, May I

YO.

It's been a century, but I'm back with some personal presents for you to judge just in time for this glorious-as-fuck holiday. 
Get your knapsacks ready.
(and now,  of course, we are passed that but keep your fucking knapsacks ready anyway, damn it!)

So, this shit is about my mother and her shit. And other people's mothers and their shit.

(duh) It's probably a good thing I don't go to family gatherings, so I don't have to hear their certain contempt for what I'm about to lay out for ya'll to feast on. 

This has been a blog idea for some time, but like all of my blog posts, I generally take action only when subject to a catalyst. What in heaven's name was the catalyst for the bludgeoning that is about to happen, you may ask? a text message, true to 21st century form, inspired by the train wreck of a holiday careening our way (that has now blazed past, carnage strewn everywhere). More on that later - the text message, not the carnage.

Let's just get right down to the nitty gritty, shall we?
I'm going to just lay out some feels and go from there.

Feels #1: Society guilts and shames you into loving/honoring your mother even when she's a piece of poop pie. A common thought process is, "value her because you only get one and time isn't promised" or "she brought you into this world, so be grateful."


Feels #2: Fuck that shit. That is the biggest cop out for mothers to be Mother Dearests, if you ask me.
which you are asking me..because you're here


Feels #3: Some mothers are just plain assholes. Some mothers are emotional sewage systems with the deepest drains known to man. Some mothers are selfish. Some mothers like to live in their own little fantasy and remain ignorant to the way their issues can be detrimental to their children. Some mothers are abusive: physically, mentally, emotionally. Some mothers pride themselves on having standards for which they hold their children accountable, but not themselves. Some mothers make hurtful choices, feel sorry for themselves, and guilt you into picking them back up even though you are the one that sustained the injuries. I could go on forever, so I'm just not going to for once.


Feels #4: Mothers should be: a confidant, a role model, a safe place, a friend, a mentor. They should have the ability to refrain from judgment, to love unconditionally, to educate, but also to be willing to learn, to be patient and understanding.

The goods. 

My mother is surely going to riot in the streets if she finds this, because I'm somewhat washing our dirty laundry in public. Shout-out to traditional Southern values that I am absolutely murdering! Who am I kidding? She will probably sit with great posture, dressed to a tee at her dinner table, silently sipping from her tea glass.
The text message that spurred this post was a guilt-tripping tactic in disguise as a lamentation about my sister and I not seeing our mother for Christmas. Keep in mind, I reached out to my mother at the beginning of the month to attempt to set plans and she had no definitive answer for me. What did I do? I planned my holiday without her. Cue alligator tears and guilt-trip booby trap.

Final feels.

Mothers are not due unfaltering devotion just because they spit you out of their vagina, birthed you through their abdomen/uterus via C-section, labored with you,  grew you in their womb, etc. This also applies to adoptive mothers. Mothers make a definitive choice to allow you to survive and to bring you into the world. Along with that choice comes specific and unending responsibilities that are due to every human, regardless of age, color, creed, sexual orientation, lifestyle, religion, disability, etc. Too, too often children are made to feel indebted to their mothers. They are made to feel that no matter what, they owe their mothers time, energy, love, affection regardless of the toll that it may take on their own health. I wonder if this theme is as big in the North as it is here in the South.
No one seems to be willing to call mothers out because of this expectation and requirement created by society. I have decided that I am at peace with sacrificing myself to this cause. I realize that I will be deemed cruel, ungrateful, and disrespectful along with an endless slew of slurs. That's okay. Do you.
My intent here is not to drag my mother through the streets with tar and feathers. I love her. She's my mother. She has sacrificed for me and helped me when asked. She has taught me. That does not mean that I have to accept the way she chooses to treat me or speak to me or the way she chooses to perceive our history and relationship. She has not bought my unfaltering devotion with her choice to have me and take care of me. She does not get to throw in my face the very requisites inherent to being a mother. I do not owe her for her choice to have a daughter. I am a fellow human being and deserve the same amount of respect and love that she demands.
so do you - from your mothers
I am here to publicly tell you that it is acceptable, it is sometimes necessary to sever ties with mothers, to call them out, to hold them accountable. You deserve it. You are valuable and important just as you are and if a mother can't get behind that, you are not indebted to her. Do not shy away from taking your health, your well-being into your hands and improving it just because society has their own idea of what mother-children relationships should be.
I hope if you are struggling and bargaining with yourself about this, you will find the strength to take action for yourself. You matter too. You do not need to feel guilty for protecting yourself or asking for equal treatment. It isn't easy. It is not a lazy Sunday full of snacks and newspaper cartoons.
But, you can be unapologetically  f r e e. You will be able to take a deep breath, release it, and breathing will get easier by the day. Take care of yourself despite who that may offend. You are the only you the world has and you are worth it. (even more than L'Oreal touts)



amg


**Disclaimer for those that feel themselves caught in the desperate throes of being high and mighty: This is written from a daughter's perspective. I am not a mother. I do realize that motherhood is a feat that is unbeknownst to me and is probably one of the most complicated and difficult choices in life. Mothers are due an insurmountable amount of appreciation and love. They are valuable and they do have the right to make mistakes. I am aware that there are great mothers out there. However, I am coming from a life with a mother that regardless of the repeated mistakes, the repeated efforts to make her conscious and aware of those mistakes, chooses to remain ignorant and live a life of denial and self-righteousness. There are others that share my story. Just as I realize that I am not all-knowing when it comes to motherhood, please do me the courtesy of realizing that you are not all-knowing of my upbringing and cobweb-ridden relationship with my mother. The intent of this post is not to slaughter my mother in the streets, but to raise awareness that some mothers just aren't the best mothers, that it's okay to say that publicly, and that it is okay to find a better life for yourself through other relationships that love you unconditionally.

3 comments:

  1. This applies to fathers as well. I struggled with severing ties with the man who donated sperm to my mother and then defaulted in every other fatherly responsibility, including love. But it was necessary and required for me to continue a healthy lifestyle.

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  2. You are absolutely right. I empathize with your experience. It's a difficult path, but sometimes it's the best one, and you have to love yourself through it. Thank you for reading!

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  3. "Mothers are not due unfaltering devotion just because they spit you out of their vagina" I absolutly love that! It's the truth. This blog is dripping in overly blunt statements and raw,unfiltered opinions. Just one of the great things about your blogs.
    It hurts to hear you are dealing with that but wonderful you are making sure to take care of yourself and taking a stand.
    taanks for sharing. ��

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